Advice to Harvard Applicants
If you pour boiling oil
on your baby’s head
wait until the oil price has gone down.
If you undress in a public toilet
you may meet Piers Morgan.
or the police may join in.
If you steal a computer
you’ll have to take it back in the morning
for a windows technology update
If you decide to block the sidewalk
remember hookers, perverts and
Jeremy Clarkson have a right to walk on it too.
If you are arrested by an FBI agent
refuse to tell him
where Virginia is.
If you climb up Big Ben
to check your watch
remember it’s being repaired.
If you take a vacation in Saudi Arabia
don’t forget to take
your own chainsaw.
If you cross out the Samaritans
telephone number in the directory
insert your own number instead.
If you meet a nudist in the street
don’t park your bike
between his buttocks.
If you give an intellectual
an IQ test use a chimp
as a control group.
If you meet Donald Trump
don’t hold up a placard saying
serial killers begin here.
If you find an open coffin
who would you like to see in it?
Boris Karloff or Boris Johnson?