R. D. RONSTAD - FUNERCIALS, I LOVE THEM

R.D. Ronstad writes mainly humor pieces and poetry. His work can be found at Defenestration, The Big Jewel, Points in Case, CommuterLit, Bindweed Magazine, Every Day Fiction (forthcoming) and a number of other online sites. A native Chicagoan, he currently lives in Phoenix, Az.

​Funercials, I Love Them

I recently switched from Progressive to Geico for my car insurance needs. A no-brainer really.
 
That Geico Gecko is hilarious, while Progressive’s overexposed,  ruby-lipped plain Jane was starting to get on my nerves. (I briefly considered Allstate, but found the “mayhem” guy’s humor a bit too dark. I’m not sure he’s still around anyway.) So how could I not go with Geico?
 
The Gecko cracks me up!
 
 For the same reason, Jack in the Box recently became my fast food fav, replacing my previous standby
 
Burger King. Every time I see that giant ping pong ball head conducting a corporate meeting, or getting run over by a bus, or trying to pronounce chipotle (or doing just about anything, really), I get a case of the giggles that just won’t stop until I’m pulling away from a Jack in the Box
 
drive-thru with a Jumbo Jack and large fries in the passenger seat. It makes me regret all the years I wasted on BK. I don't even know how I ever got started with them; their “King” character is just plain creepy. 
 
 
When I laugh so hard I have to buy what's on offer, I usually use my credit card. It took me a while to find a suitable one. I don't find most “funny” bank card commercials all that amusing.
 
To me the Peyton Manning and Aziz Ansari characters are more idiotic and obnoxious than funny. And Jimmy Fallon? Jimmy Fallon with cheerleaders and babies—automatically funny?
 
Why? And those baseball mascots playing pranks on each other? Good concept, but the most uncreative and predictable pranks you could imagine. Bor-r-r-r ing. Then I came across a Citi Bank commercial with an overweight guy battling a treadmill. Stale joke, yes, but hilariously done. I was sold!
  
Watching funny commercials can have its downside though, especially with the big purchases.
 
 For example, last month I saw a Kia Soul commercial on iSpot.tv  about a hamster escaping from a maternity ward that made me laugh so hard, I woke up the next morning with a severe headache and an Inferno Red Kia Soul S parked in my driveway—a car I couldn’t remember buying (though subsequent investigation revealed I had indeed made a deal with “Chuck” at Kia Mia the night before). I’d gone and taken on a totally needless expense, since I already owned a quite serviceable two-year-old Chevy Silverado (20,000 miles), and could hardly fit behind the wheel of the Kia anyway because of all the Jumbo Jacks I’d been eating. As I looked down at the Kia that day in a state bordering on shock, from my bedroom window, I had a mind-numbing case of buyer’s remorse, as you might imagine. But then I replayed in my head a few times the commercial that made it all happen, found myself smiling and my mood brightening, and finally said to myself: “Heck, who can put a price tag on a good laugh anyway!” And besides, Chuck at Kia Mia assures me I robbed him blind.