AVERY CARLE - 18TH CENTURY IDIOMS MODIFIED FOR 21ST CENTURY SEXUAL ASSAULT

Avery Carle writes at 2 AM in Summit, New Jersey, and has previously been published in Red Eft Review.

​18th Century Idioms Modified for 21st Century Sexual Assault

Beat Around the Bush
Tell the university right away. Don’t waste any spare time. Unless of course, you want to count the fact that you are required to fill out three separate claims, the office assistant has already suggested you take some time to think about it, and she has politely informed you that with only two months left in the term, it may not even be worth it to start up the “legal havoc”.

Under the Weather
What you tell your teacher when you don’t show up for class for a week and he asks why you’ve only completed reading 300 pages of philosophic babble.

A Blessing in Disguise
What every self-help, pothead hippie and optimistic bullsh**tter thinks you will feel whenever you finally seem to somehow move on.

The Best of Both Worlds
The university explains, as they detail their plan to keep both you and your assailant on campus for the remaining term.

Don’t Get Bent Out of Shape
I have absolutely no idea why you are so upset that he is in both your Econ 200 class and Business and Personal Law. It’s not like assault is a crime or anything, with actual, serious consequences for the offender. Why shouldn’t he be allowed to attend class and send unnerving looks your way?

Your Guess is as Good as Mine
Why colleges continue to question why their rape rates are so high.