As far as first dates go, this one was going exceptionally well. Normally, Calvin avoided going out to bars on weeknights for risk of being hungover at work the next morning. Tonight however, he didn’t care if he couldn’t move the next morning because right now, he was sitting across from this absolutely gorgeous and charming woman.
Her name was Allison. They had met on the dating app Cherub and after a few days of flirty text conversations they had gone out for lunch and spent time walking around Washington Square. Tonight they decided to meet up at Mercury Bar which was only a fifteen minute Uber from hiss apartment and five minutes from Allison’s. As New Order’s ‘Blue Monday’ blasted from the Mercury Bar’s speakers and the smallish Thursday night crowd chattered around them, all he could hear was Allison and he couldn’t stop smiling.
Up until now, he hadn't had that much luck with meeting anyone on the app. She was the first girl from the app that he actually met up with in person. He was of average height and had been exercising so that his doughy frame now looked significantly more toned. He had recently cut his long dark hair into something short and sensible and had shaved his beard so he didn’t look forty instead of his natural twenty-seven.
Allison was petite almost waifish, with long dark curly hair hung to her shoulders. She was wearing a grey top with no sleeves, highlighting the meticulously designed tattoo of an octopus along her right bicep. Calvin was oddly drawn to the blue ink tattoo of an octopus as it went well with the silver ring in her nose.
Her face had a certain brightness no doubt helped by her great smile and gorgeous blue eyes. In less sophisticated terms, she was the type of typical ‘hipster’ girl that Calvin was drawn to. He himself was a big fan of anime, Transformers, Sonic the Hedgehog and other guilty pleasures so when Allison revealed that she was a Deception sympathizer and joked about the bizarre online fan art of Sonic, he knew that he had found someone special.
There was an undeniable spark between the two of them that only grew the more they smiled at one another. Allison could recite poetry from memory, particularly “Hope is the Thing With Feathers,” by Emily Dickinson just like he could recite Lewis Carroll’s “The Jabberwock.” They both laughed at how pretentious they were.
As Calvin got the check, Allison asked him if he was up for getting a night cap, preferably at her place. He felt his heartbeat begin to race. This was their third date and aside from making out a little in the closing moments of a date, Calvin hadn't gotten the impression that Allison was ready to take things to the next level. Still, the brief moments where their tongues lightly swirled around each other made I’m feel elated. All that mattered was that passion was there so he didn’t object to her idea. He had only known Allison for about a month but he wasn’t just attracted to her good looks, it was the personality that he wanted more of.
Soon the two of them were splitting an Uber and within five minutes they were at her apartment. She lived alone in a one bedroom apartment with green carpeted floors, a decent sized living room with a small flat screen television on a white counter. Not long after walking into her apartment, they were on her couch making out much harder than they ever had before. Calvin’s hands caressed Allison’s light frame as he felt her fingers grasp and feel the back of his head as one of her legs wrapped around one of his hips.
After what felt like an eternity of their tongues touching, slowly he moved his left hand to Allison’s hip and his right hand towards her chest. Allison lightly grabbed his hand just as he made contact with the curve of her chest and she pressed it harder to her. Then she opened her eyes and moved her face away from hiss, her eyes reminded him of a cat as they stared at him with a suave yet vulnerable look.
“ I’m sorry, could we pause for maybe just a second?”
“ Of course! I’m sorry, I don’t want to rush things or do anything you don’t want to,” he was suddenly anxious. Had he blown his shot with her?
“ No, Calvin you’re fine. I’m always awkward with things like this. I like you a lot and I want to keep going.”
“Oh, um okay great,” Clavin smiled nervously.
“ It’s just that I kind of have this-“ her face turned away as her voice dropped into an embarrassed mumble.
“ You have what?”
“God this is so embarrassing. Do you remember on Cherub when I said that I’ve had a lot of relationships? Well, sex only occurred in only three of the eight relationships I’ve had in my life because of my own issues.”
“Hey, whatever it is, its fine. Really, we can wait before we-“
“The issue was, that out of the eight people I dated only three wanted were able to go through with sleeping with me,” coursing her arms, she looked down suddenly appearing self conscious.
Confused, he looked back her. He didn’t want to think that he was shallow but he didn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to sleep with Allison. Aside from her clever personality she had a beautiful aura around her delicate looks that was undeniable in its attractiveness.
“Forget about them, thats their loss. They must have been crazy to let someone as cool as you pass them by.”
She didn’t seem convinced and instead looked increasingly bashful as if she knew the punchline to an uncomfortable joke. Trying to be supportive, Calvin placed a hand on her shoulder reassuringly.
“I know we haven’t known each other very long but I’m not one to judge,” he smiled at her. She returned his gaze.
“ It’s just that…oh God, you’re going to think that I’m the worst. Basically, what it comes down to is my tastes where a little too much for most of my exes.”
“What do you mean?”
“To be blunt, I’m kind of into some really freaky shit.”
He looked at her with his hand still on her shoulder not sure what to say and trying not to to laugh with relief. From what it sounded like to him, this girl he was already attracted was apparently some kind of closet pervert. This date was going even better than he had hoped.
“Thats fine! Hell, thats more than fine! I mean everyone’s got their kinks, God knows I’ve got mine.”
“Is that so?” She laughed arching her right eyebrow as she gazed enticing at him.
“ Hell yeah its so! In fact, I’ll tell you one of my embarrassing kinks to show you its not a big deal,” he laughed and cleared his throat.
“I kind of sorta, enjoy being choked,” he blushed feeling that he may have revealed too much.
“Well well, Mr. Calvin I do believe you are giving me the vapors!” She said putting on a faux Southern belle accent as she pretended to fan herself with her hand.
Calvin thought that was as good an answer as any.
“Okay so you wont care about what I’m into?”
“Its nothing with animals or dead people is it?”
“Nope, no dead zebra sex for me.”
“All right well bring it on! Show me what you got girl!”
“All right, just don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Allison smiled again, leaning forward and kissed him, her tongue darting into his mouth before jetting out just as quickly as it entered.
“I’ll be right back,” she darted over to the door to her bedroom before looking back with a sly smile and closed the door behind her.
Sitting there on her couch with only the ticking sound of Allison’s living room clock keeping for company, Calvin fidgeted around excited and smiling. As he patiently awaited for her to come back, one thought kept mulling it over in his head:
“What could she be into that could make her so embarrassed?” He wondered but wasn’t too worried, she had confided something personal to him which he really appreciated.
He couldn’t remember the last time he felt his happy.
Time passed, the minute hand on the clock had gone from 11:25 to 11:45. Calvin was beginning to get anxious. Whatever she was doing, why was it taking so long? As he thought this over, the sound of Allison’s bedroom door creaking open startled him into sitting up straight.
“Sorry to keep you waiting. Are you ready?” Her voice came from behind the door.
“Lets rock!” God help him that was the best he could think of to say.
“Ooooookay! Let’s go!” Allison’s voice sounded lighter now.
The sound of ukulele music suddenly filled the room.
Allison opened the door and instead of the cute hipster girl that he had been talking to before, out walked a scantily clad circus clown. She was wearing a small floppy green hat on top of a long blue haired wig. Her nose was painted bright red, she had drawn a red heart around her right eye and the rest of her face was chalk white. Wrapped around her slender neck was a burgundy bow tie that sparkled with glitter. On her arms and legs she was wearing rainbow sleeves and stockings that outlined her sensual build.
Otherwise she wasn’t wearing much else.
“Hi! My name’s Sunny. Ya ready to have fun?” She pulled out a clown horn and gripped it twice producing an uncertain honking.
Years earlier, when he was a child there was one night where he and his brothers had watched the classic horror film “Poltergeist.” Skipping over plot details, the movie lived up to its reputation. It wasn’t the child eating tree or the later scene of that guy ripping off his face that was one point where the young boy was man handled by a terrifying clown doll that was possessed by angry spirits and now sported a sinister, Satanic clown face grinning with needle like teeth and murder in his eyes.
Ever since that traumatic night, he had maintained a life long terrifying phobia of clowns.
“Guh,” he sputtered.
This wasn’t some kind of sexy jester Harley Quinn outfit, this was full on sexed up birthday clown. Calvin was horrified. He sat there with his eyes as big as Manson lamps and a poorly maintained rictus grin on his face. His mind couldn’t comprehend what was happening. Only moments ago he thought he was in the greatest night of his life now it was like he was living one of his actual nightmares.
All he could do was sit there and try not to scream.
“Well there it is,” Allison sighed as her sad clown face looked down and her naked shoulders drooped in dissapointment.
“What?” Calvin managed to croak out.
“You think I’m a freak because I need to dress up like a clown to have sex.”
“Think youre-what? No! No, no no I’m just a little surprised. So you like to dress up like a clown…”
“During sex. The sexiest thing for me is to dress up like a clown when I’m having sex. Nothing gets me hotter than dressing up like Bozo and screwing another clown with joy buzzers, whoops cushions and part favors on standby.”
“Why?” He couldn’t stop himself from asking.
“I don’t know. Why do people have foot fetishes? Just my preference I guess,” she shrugged.
“Gotcha. Awesome. That’s fine. That’s totally fine.”
“Really? You’re gripping the couch pretty hard and you’re shaking.”
“All the more energy reserved for you Allison!” He thought that forcing more nervous laughter would make the the fear might go away. It wasn’t working.
“Whats that now?”
“When I’m dressed like this I’d like it if you’d call me Sunny, as in Sunny the Clown,” Sunny pulled out the horn again, smiled and gave it a few more honks.
“S-Sunny, right okay um look maybe I-”
“I’ve just been dying to bring out the balloons animals, banana cream pies and I’ve been practicing magic tricks. I don’t know how good I’ll be at them though,” her bright red lower lip stuck out in a sexy pout.
Sunny the Clown also known as Allison slowly made her way over to Calvin, leaned close to his ear. Her red nose brushed his ear with her nearly bare chest less than a foot away from him.
“I’ve been a very bad clown,” she whispered into his ear before licking it.
Calvin didn’t know which feelings inside him were stronger, lust or terror. Years later, he would look back on this moment and to his eternal shame, against all rationality, even in knowing how badly it would end, he’d probably do it all again in an instant. He swallowed his fear, closed his eyes to thoughts of puppies and moved towards her. Sunny straddled him on his lap as they went back to making out even more fiercely than they had before.
He lost himself in her clown face and rainbow attire. The next thing he knew his clothes were gone and he was in her room laying on her bed. Sunny the Clown was riding him. Her moans of satisfaction sounded more like high pitched giggling. He shut his eyes and pretended he was somewhere else. Still he couldn’t deny that this felt amazing.
At some point Calvin thought that she had pulled out another condom but then she started inflating it with her mouth to reveal a long red balloon. With him still inside her she laughed and whacked his face with the long red plastic noodle. He cringed as the ballon swatted him in the face several times. She tried twisting it into a balloon animal but it popped not long into the attempt so instead she just rode him harder.
As he slowly opened his eyes he noticed that he had unconsciously become more enthusiastic on his end. A horrible realization crept into his head. Here was having sex with the woman dressed as his worst fears and it was easily the greatest sex of his life.
He had already finished twice but he got the impression that Sunny had finished herself after she pulled out a fake jar of peanuts and moaned with ecstasy as she opened the can and polka dotted snakes made of springs shot out. Afterwards he had white and red face paint smeared all over his body. Sunny’s head was on his panting chest, she had taken her blue wig off. He couldn’t prevent the tremble of fear he felt when he looked at Sunny’s painted clown face but thankfully the pleasure he felt was stronger.
“ My God Sunny, my God. That was insane.”
“You can go back to calling me Allison now,” she smiled looking into his eyes.
“ Tonight was incredible. I had a really great time,” he returned her smile.
“ Me too. I was hoping maybe we could do this again sometime?”
“ Definitely,” even though the back of his mind was screaming for him to run away somehow he didn’t.
Thus it became their routine. Each time they met up for a date, Calvin would smile and bury the feelings of primal terror and love battling within him. Aside from the clown sex, their dates weren’t anything too wild. They would, watch a movie, go bowling or cook a new type of food. Still with each date, the two grew happier and closer together.
During their more intimate moments, she would take a few minutes to turn into Sunny and they’d resume their wild clown on man sex. If they went to Calvin’s place Allison was always sure to bring a backpack full of her Sunny costume. He didn’t want to risk ruining the great times he had with her so he made sure to never let it slip that he had nightmares about scary sexual clowns.
Two months into this arrangement, Calvin and Allison examined where there relationship was. Calvin couldn’t remember ever feeling this way about someone. She was a smart, funny woman with a wild sex drive and he knew that he was lucky to have her. They had both developed such strong feelings for one another that they had talked it over and decided to become committed but she had one non-negotiable condition.
“I cant see my self long term with anyone who doesn’t dress up like a clown for sex too. If we’re really going to go for a long term relationship, you have to buy your own clown costume.”
Once he pulled himself together after nearly fainting on the spot, he and Allison walked to the most local costume store. The store was empty except for the an older gentlemen behind the cashier who bore an uncanny resemblance to John Waters. He felt uncomfortable browsing through half a dozen Bozo, Joker and Pennywise costumes but preserved nerves be damned.
Eventually Allison helped him find the right clown style for himself. They settled on a rainbow afro wig, standard blue, white and red face paint, big yellow pants with red stripes and large floppy blue shoes. To complete the outfit, Allison placed a big red clown nose made out of foam over his nose.
His now girlfriend was all too excited to introduce his new clown persona, so the very next nigh Calvin swallowed his fears once again. He went into Allison’s bathroom with his backpack full of clown clothes and began the transformation. Fifteen minutes later, Calvin stepped out of the bathroom. He was greeted by Sunny the Clown, already changed back in her sexy makeup and rainbow sleeves. He had the rainbow wig on, a white painted face with blue in the eyes and red around the mouth. His nose had the foam red nose in front of it and the only other thing he wore was his big yellow clown pants that were already starting to fall down.
“Ahhh! I love it!! Sunny squeed jumping up and down with excitement before running over to him and wrapping her striped arms around his bare chest.
Looking at himself in the mirror across from her. He couldn’t recognize himself. In his mind he only saw his reflection laughing an uncontrollable nasal laughter. Soon the laughing face of his reflection morphed into something with needle sharp teeth and murder in his eyes.
“Soooo? Whats your clown name handsome?”
“How does Flip Flop the Clown sound?”
“Ooooohlala I can dig it. Pleased to meetcha Flip Flop,” the sexy scary clown pulled him close until both of their big red noses were touching.
Flip Flop thought that the sex before had been great but this flat out changed his life. Naked and looking ridiculous, he never felt more alive as he vigorously kissed Sunny. Each of their kisses smeared their makeup on one another until their faces were a swirling mess of vibrant colors. Every time Flip Flop kissed and caressed a different part of Sunny’s naked clown body, she would blow into a kazoo that buzzed increasingly louder and louder.
Flip Flop felt like he was having an out of body experience. He was outside his own body and couldn’t look away at the sight of himself dressed like a clown making love to this ravishing clown girl. Flip Flop sprayed a bottle of seltzer water on Sunny before she reached beneath her bed and flung a foot long banana cream pie into his ugly clown face. Sunny’s stereo continued to blast circus music as she ran to her bedroom dresser and now pulled out a whoopee cushion.
Soon she was on top of him again with the inflated whoopee cushion beneath his back. As she rode him harder and harder the whoopee cushion made a sputtering farting sound. Normally he would find all of this terrifying and awkward but God help him at that moment it felt like the funniest, sexiest thing in the world.
“Fuck yeah, that’s it Flip Flop you dirty pervert clown. Oh God, now say ‘fuck you, you stupid fucking clown!’”
“Fuck you, you stupid fucking clown!”
Afterwards with the whoopee cushion and pies spent, Allison had removed her Sunny gear and was snuggled up on Calvin. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close. He was careful that he kept his rainbow wig and red nose on.
“You can take that off now you know,” Allison smiled lovingly at him.
“Just a little longer,” Calvin said in a monotone voice staring blankly at the ceiling.
The fantastic sex didn’t prevent Calvin’s phobia of clown’s from disappearing. Almost every night Calvin had dreams of being chased by a tiny car full of terrifying monster clowns laughing a high pitched giggle as they chased and tried to eat him. Soon almost every morning Calvin was waking up to the sound of his own screams. To his utter astonishment, following his screams he almost always found himself with an erection.
Then one day everything changed. To his growing horror, Calvin realized revelation that he wanted more. His feelings for Allison hadn't changed and he still wanted her but now even her most erotic moves as Sunny weren't enough for him. For the next month all Calvin could think of was clown sex. Calvin had become addicted. Everywhere he walked he couldn't stop seeing ordinary people in the street as clowns having sex with one another.
At the convenience store where he bought his coffee every morning, the cashier had turned into Clarabell the Clown. Clarabell winked and asked if Sunny’s clown car had room for one more. Calvin blinked and realized that the cashier was just giving him change. During his lunch break, he walked past a businesswoman talking on her cellphone while two construction men were working nearby. A chorus of squawking clown horns boomed inside Calvin’s head. When he turned around he saw the woman and construction workers had been replaced by the clowns Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum getting it on with Grandma the Clown.
Horny clowns were everywhere. Calvin started screaming.
After work he would race home and took care of his blue balls but could only finish if he saw himself in the mirror wearing the wig and nose. He was losing control of himself and the only thing that scared him more was that he didn’t care. Night after night he tried to find as much clown porn on the internet as he could but surprisingly there was a scarce amount.
Calvin knew he that his obsession was getting worse too. Soon he began searching the Internet for when the circus was coming to Philadelphia. Surely they must have some girl clowns? They’d see that he was a kindred spirit and they could live out the exciting, dangerous life of a clown affair. The thought made him anxious and excited. Calvin was disappointed to see that the circus had just wrapped up a two night performance in Philadelphia.
Missing the circus was soon going to be the least of his problems. Life was about to get much worse for Calvin.
One day he walked over to Allison’s apartment. He had his gym bag full with his Flip Flop costume and a bottle of Chianti that he hoped to split with her. If nothing else, Allison provided him with a sense of love and appreciation that he wanted to be sure to reciprocate. When he arrived outside her apartment complex he saw her waiting for him there.
Maybe it was the wet mascara running down her face or the venom in her eyes but somehow Calvin knew that she wasn’t happy.
“ I don't know what to say. I’m so furious with you you son of a bitch,” Allison said through her gritted teeth.
“ Whats the matter honey?”
“Screw you, you don’t get to call me that. I know what you did. I have the screenshots.”
She pulled out her smartphone from her pocket. On the screen was a screenshot of a profile from the dating app Shpongle that had Calvin dressed up as Flip Flop the clown without a shirt on. The profile read ‘Flip Flop’ and the bio wrote: “Just looking for a lady clown to fool around with. Yes this is for real.”
“Where did you get that?”
“ My friend Rachel saw it when she was on Shpongle and she thought she recognized you. Even when she said the name “Flip Flop” I felt sick but I told her she was wrong. Good thing she saved the screenshot. I fucking loved you Calvin, how could you do this to me?!”
“ Exactly, I love you too! None of that means anything! Those girls aren’t the clown that I fell in love with!”
Allison’s face looked flabbergasted for a moment before switching back to rage. She clenched her fists and her small body was shaking, Calvin had never seen her this angry before.
“It’s over you bastard!” The last word broke out into a sob as she slammed the door and ran up that stairs.
Calvin must have rang her buzzer and tried calling her phone a couple dozen times but the same results every time; no answer. The person he cared about the most was heartbroken and hurt in a way that could impact how she had relationships for the rest of her life. He had thrown away the best thing that had ever happened to him and worst of all now he had no one to have clown sex with.
With his relationship to Allison destroyed, Calvin entered into a deep depression. He didn’t see clowns everywhere he went now. Everyone now looked like the same dull human shaped blob. Calvin went to work, ate and slept all on autopilot. He let his beard grow and stopped taking care of himself. All his friends and family knew was that Allison had broken up with him because he cheated on her or something. They tried to help him back on his feet but he didn’t want to be helped.
At night, as he lay on his bed unable to sleep he looked over to the closet. Inside the Flip Flop costume lay dormant but continued to silently torment him. Every night he could hear the high pitched giggling of clowns coming from behind his closet door. In his head he fought with himself over what to do with the Flip Flop costume. Half of him wanted to burn it, throw it away, never look at it ever again. The other half didn’t want to do any of that.
Days passed and all Calvin could do was go to work and try to get by. After much discipline along with some trial and error, Calvin gradually stopped needing to wear the rainbow wig and red nose to get himself off. Four months after Allison broke up with him, Calvin was slowly putting his life back together. He was doing better at work, hanging out with his friends and family and doing things that made him happy.
Calvin still missed Allison and regretted how things had ended but he had come to accept that his relationship with Allison was over and it was time to move on. When he was comfortable enough to date again he went back on Cherub. A few days of matching up with a handful of girls and somewhat flirty conversations, Calvin set up a date with this girl who seemed pretty cool named Monica.
Monica wore dark rimmed glasses, had red hair and worked as a pharmacist. had an interest in being a theatre arts major and she had done improv in college but blushed when she reminisced about it as she thought she wasn’t very good. Calvin thought it was cute how she tried to hide her Mid-Western accent to sound more businesslike. He smiled as he learned of her plans to run in an upcoming 5K marathon and to someday visit her dream destination of Paris, France.
She laughed at his dumb jokes and after a couple more drinks they were both pawing at each other. Their first night together was nice, Calvin felt a huge sense of relief to normally hook up with someone after months of having to get dressed up before hand. It wasn't the same spark he had had with Allison but Calvin was happy to be in a normal relationship and was willing to see where it went. Calvin wasn't sure if he should tell Monica about how he was still overcoming his last relationship which left him both terrified and aroused by circus clowns
Then one night when they were at Monica’s apartment and her roommates were gone for the weekend, Monica leaned in close and whispered into Calvin’s ear.
“I’ve got a surprise for you tonight. It’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a while now. Just promise me you wont laugh.”
“Er, I promise?” Calvin didn’t like where this was going at all.
“Be right back,” Monica winked and went to her bedroom and closed the door behind her.
There is a feeling that can only be said in French but Calvin couldn’t remember what is was called. His felt the familiar pounding of his nervous heart.
“God help me,” Calvin thought. “If she comes out dressed as a clown I am going to shit a brick.”
Calvin wasn't sure what to expect. He suddenly felt like the walls were closing in. He nervously ate some of the croissant she had out for him. He was reaching for his second cookie when Monica’s bedroom door open and music filled her apartment. It was the sound of an accordion that made Calvin think of the Eiffel tour, baguettes and wine.
A long slender leg wrapped in black tights stepped out from behind Monica’s bedroom door. Soon after, Monica sprung out from behind the door. The accordion music continued Monica skipped around her living room. She was wearing black skin tight suspenders on top of a black and white striped shirt and two white gloves on her hands. Monica had painted her face white with two red dots on her cheeks and red lipstick on her lips. She had tied her hair into a braid and on top of her head she wore one of those flat black French hats. Calvin thought they were called berets.
After a few seconds of this the music stopped and Monica put her hand on the wall behind her as she leaned back and seductively looked at Calvin. She didn’t say anything but Calvin got the message.
After all, she was a mime.