JOHN SHEIRER - ANT TRAPS

John Sheirer (pronounced “shy-er”) lives in Northampton, Massachusetts, with his wonderful wife Betsy and happy dog Libby. He has taught writing and communications for 26 years at Asnuntuck Community College in Enfield, Connecticut, where he also serves as editor and faculty advisor for Freshwater Literary Journal (submissions welcome). He writes a monthly column on current events for his hometown newspaper, the Daily Hampshire Gazette, and his books include memoir, fiction, poetry, essays, political satire, and photography. Find him at JohnSheirer.com.

​Ant Traps

​The first day in their new house, the young couple unpacked and kept marveling--such a big place at a reasonable price on a quiet street.
            The second day, they noticed the ants. Some were large, meaty things that seemed angered by the invasion of their home. Others were tiny, barely visible, and seemed unconcerned with the humans' arrival, probably because they outnumbered them several billion to two.
            The third day, they sought help at the hardware store.
            "We need some ant traps," the wife said to the middle-aged man behind the counter. His smile faded, and he looked at her as if she had just threatened his dog.
            "You can't get that here," the man said.
            "You don't carry ant traps?" the husband asked.
            The man seemed offended. "Of course not. I don't even think that's legal."
            The husband began a response, sucked air into his lungs the way he did before swear words were about to surface, but his wife touched his arm.
            "Well," she said, "We have ants in our new house. Do you know where we can get ant traps?"
            The man stared at her for a long moment, and then he spat laughter.
            "What the hell is so funny?" the husband asked.
            "You want ant traps," the man said between chuckles. "I thought you were asking for anthrax."
            By the tenth day, when the ants had actually carried away all of the ant traps, the young couple began to wonder if maybe anthrax would have worked better after all.