The Washington Job
Wednesday, 11:36 A.M. Today here in Washington D.C. is nice and bright sunshine with the northern winds willowing through the streets, it is now November so maybe get yourself some nice warm tea, if you don’t have a coat today you might want to have one lend to you, and maybe by the end of the work day cozy up near a fire. Thanks for listening and we hope everyone has a wonderful day.
Please being an English man in an American environment is not wonderful. England is nothing like this place. I’ll at least try to have this day not be long and not be bad, just like the last two days were. So today all I want is for me to leave my job. That is my main objective, I look in the mirror and say “Your goal for today is to get out of work early.” If I can get the work done quick then I can leave quickly. Right should be simple and easy.
1:45 P.M. Stupid taxi driver can figure out where to go. Great a street slum who begs for money like a cat meowing non-stop for food. They just won’t leave you alone, I wonder what bull story this one has got.
“Excuse me sir but you see my sister was coming to pick me up for the holidays but she missed her flight and now she needs help getting to another airport on time but she needs me to call our mother because she’s in a terrible spot to make a call. So could you give change to a small hobo?”
I kindly respond with “Wow that’s a good one, did you pull that out of your arse at the last moment?” I then walked right passed him.
Finally at the building where I write posts and articles constantly, where else would you except from The Maryland Shaft.
Joy the worker I sit next to Gilbert, possibly the most annoying American I’ve ever met. He has the mass of a hippopotamus, the accent of cowboy, the scent of roadkill, and probably has a brain the size of a mustard seed.
“How ya doing?”
“Hey, Irving I decided to be nice today, cause it’s been a rough week so I got you some tea.”
He holds up two cups and out of nowhere throws one at me, and then molten and steamy tea splashes all over me and begins to get sticky.
“Got ya, that was the empty cup, this cup is full of tea. I just threw the empty one at ya, so would think that, that I….”
Gil suddenly realizes his mistake.
“But I may have um, got them switched up.”
Gil automatically runs away, and I’m left with tea all over my white shirt and black tie.
I hear my name shouted in the back and my boss standing out of his office. I tell him I’ll be right there.
“Good god Irving what happened to you?”
“Well Gilbert went to..”
“Never mind, listen Charles’s birthday is today and we forgot to get him some tea cause he prefers that over coffee. Do you mind going out and getting some for us, and you gotta make it ASAP!”
“Can I at least dry my shirt first?”
“No Irving, make it quick or he’s going to notice!”
Great I have to go out and get some tea with a bunch of splashed tea all over me, God please get me out of here for the day. 4:55 P.M. I finally get to the coffee shop Sun Cheers and get the tea for Charles’s birthday as I’m headed back the cold weather starts to really kick in and the spilled tea all over me is not helping. I’m walking down the alley for a shortcut yet the blistering cold is really creeping down my back. I’m starting to shiver.
“Hey son!” I hear someone shout.
A hobo comes up to me and says “What’s going on with you, you look severely cold.”
“No sir I assure you I’m fine.”
He responds with “At least let me lend you a coat for the cold weather.”
Oh dear I don’t want to wear a slum’s coat, but I could really use it right now.
“There you go fits perfectly.” He says.
“Cheers.” I say.
“Cheers.” he says.
Sure it’s got holes in it but at least I feel warm.
6:35 P.M. Finally making it back to Maryland Shaft I charge to get the tea up until I’m stopped by a guard.
“Excuse me sir. Where are you going?”
“Officer I need to get this to my office upstairs.”
“Alright I’ll deliver it.”
“Oh I see you think I’m a bum, no I swear I have I.D.”
I reach in my pocket too get my I.D. but it’s gone and so is my phone. Oh god no.
“Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear. Wait I did have my I.D. but you see this hobo you gave me this jacket he stole it while he but the jacket on me, I swear to god. I work here!”
The officer smirks at me and says “Wow. Good one, did you pull that one out of your ass at the last moment?”
He takes my tea and goes in the building. Next to the building is the slum from earlier nodding his head at me.
“I work here!!!!” I shout.
8:45 P.M. the shaft closes at this time and I should be at home right now. The day is over at work and I’m down here putting my hands to the nearest trash can with a bonfire in it. I don’t get it, I didn’t mean get out early like that. It always seems like the world is trying to go against me. Or is it me going against the world? Naw, it’s the world against me. This is humiliating, I’m moving back to England. At least it’s nothing like this place.
Meanwhile Somewhere in England….
Good morning lads today in the queen’s land will be having swift winds of the cold so if you don’t got a coat yet, you might want to have one lend to you. Then get a nice cup of old grey and when the day of working is done go and cozy up near the fire. Hope all you lovelies have a wonderful day. Thanks for listening.
“Please, being an American in a English environment ain’t wonderful.”