 Annmarie Lockhart is the founding editor of vox poetica, a literary salon dedicated to bringing poetry into the everyday, and the founding publisher of Unbound Content, an independent press devoted to poetry. A resident of Englewood, NJ, she lives and writes two miles east of the hospital where she was born. PHOTO CREDIT: Caitlin Riggsbee, 2017 STARDUST Mission Report 1479-02 From coordinates Alpha 6, Epsilon 83, plane Delta 285 [to be transcribed into Proceedings of Convocation 3600: Operation Shoshenq Restoration] Tidings from Romeo’s on Main, Soccer Shop Par Excellence, Hackensack, New Jersey, USA. It pleases me to provide this update. First, thank you to the Technological Committee for the improvements made to the ansible. I can report interference with the neurochip signal has been reduced greatly. There may be no way to completely eliminate cross-talk, but at least now I’m only occasionally plagued by the energetic but distasteful sexts between Tony and Lisa Romeo. Also, I believe my transmissions are being received exponentially faster [please confirm]. I am ready to receive the next shipment of presolar grains. I’m happy to report my colleague, Aramis, has reformulated the product and we have seen a significant increase in sales (much to Tony’s delight). At launch, Stardust was given the snappy catchphrase: “A STAR is born!” It’s a finer powder, mixes better with water or milk, and comes in the standard vanilla and chocolate flavors. Aramis is finalizing testing on three new flavors: strawberry, mint, and, my personal favorite, salmon. Surely you can understand the delight I felt when I first tasted that one. It renewed my commitment to our noble cause. Now, friends, you may be wondering whether such superficial improvements can be linked to true performance enhancement. Which brings me to the next, and potentially most promising, section of my report. For I believe we are already seeing the benefits of Stardust. Before I continue, let me refer you to the report submitted for review at Convocation 3598 [autolink found here]. Note that we have recorded steady progress toward Goal 2b over the past three convocations. And keep in mind, since Tony Romeo’s rose to prominence, the American men’s soccer program has produced a dozen top-flight, world-class players. Now consider our timeline and prepare to be convinced. Little Joey Benson, the buck-toothed kid who comes here to buy cleats and to hear Tony ramble about his glory days, has been transformed. He grew eight inches and gained twenty pounds [refer to Scale Chart 9 for Per-Bastet measurement equivalents]. The boy has filled out impressively. Also, he’s under the care of an orthodontist and now has braces on his teeth. The overbite improvement is dramatic. Tony’s taken to calling the boy Little Joey Benson. The emphasis on the “Little,” is an ironic nod to his increase in stature. And I’m pleased to report here, he has been picked up by the Red Bulls U-18 team where he’ll be an attacking midfielder. He is a real playmaker, creating opportunities and scoring when the shot presents itself. The boy’s journey from awkward kid with big dreams to top ten scout pick has generated an atmosphere of electric excitement here at Romeo’s. Obviously, we cannot successfully execute our plan on the back of one Boy Wonder. How do we get from here to Qatar, you ask? The key is distribution. Fortunately, our network of agents is in position and we have effectively placed Stardust on the shelves of sporting goods stores, soccer clinics, and, thanks to Fluffy at the New York Cosmos Academy merchandise program, an online outlet as well. For more details on this development and the timeline for the national rollout, refer to Fluffy’s report [autolink found here] and the evangelist target list from Commander Morris’ addendum to Convocation 3599 [autolink found here]. In short, friends, we are well on our way to successfully positioning a US Men’s National team to win FIFA’s World Cup 2022 in Qatar. I look forward to the reports from the Gaming Committee Chair and the Dynastic Redeployment Team in the full Convocation Proceedings. In light of the team’s abysmal failure to qualify for the upcoming 2018 Cup, our Qatar gamble will reap staggering rewards, and fund the operations necessary to bring our main goal within grasp for the first time in nearly 3,000 years [refer to Scale Chart 4 for Per-Bastet time equivalents]. When we reveal ourselves as the power behind a dominant US soccer team, the humans will have no choice but to acknowledge our supremacy and bow down in worship. We will restore the luster of the ancient Egyptian 22nd Dynasty, beginning with a return to the recognition of feline deity. Art, culture, and advancement will follow, as it did in those glorious days. Friends, we are closer than ever to true dominion over this Earthly kingdom. Hallelujah! Lest we become careless in our quest, let us not celebrate our victory prematurely. I implore those of you at home on Per-Bastet, to rededicate yourselves to your respective roles, to support the Marketing Team’s efforts on our collective behalf, to adopt the training regimens issued by the Strategic Council, and to be ready to move when it’s time to launch the charge. We will achieve what no other species on this frail planet has: the stewardship of an enlightened and progressive global utopia. And we will follow that triumph by colonizing all habitable planets in Per-Bastet’s image—planet by planet, galaxy by galaxy, dominion over dominion. Friends, it is our feline destiny. In closing, let me again express my gratitude to the Technological Committee for their hard work. Thanks to their toil, I have been able to complete this report, unmolested by humans, in record time. The efficiency of this system allows me to lie in apparent slumber upon a windowsill, while communicating via neurochip a message of progress and hope to my fellow felines at home on Per-Bastet and here on Earth. May the great goddess Bastet bless our endeavor, and may the beneficence of feline rule become the universal standard in the approaching dimension. In solidarity, Caesar Beloved Orange Tabby of Romeo’s on Main MISSED CONNECTIONS craigslist north jersey > personals > missed connections Overpeck Dog Park, Saturday afternoon, around 3:30 – m4w You were gorgeous, trying to manage your rambunctious Yorkie. I showed you a technique for discipline and ended up bitten. You kissed my boo-boo, but left before I could get your name and number. Where did you kiss me? What did you say? Answer correctly and there’s 10 free sessions at Must Love Dogs for you and your wild fur-child. ;-) ___________________________________________________________________________________ Yo, I got a German Shepherd, but I’ll call it a Yorkie if it’ll get me 10 free sessions at that dog clinic. I didn’t kiss you at the damn park, but shit, I’ll kiss you, cook for you, and mow the lawn for you if that’s what it takes. Hit me up! ___________________________________________________________________________________ Well, Must Love Dogs has a great track record with German Shepherds, so come check us out! I can’t give you the 10 free sessions, but I can offer you 15% off the price for our introductory course. Thanks for your interest! ___________________________________________________________________________________ Massage on the table or off. Extra charge for extra fun. Message me for relaxation. ___________________________________________________________________________________ <<delete reply>> ___________________________________________________________________________________ Hey, I saw you at that dog park! You were the trainer guy, that Cesar-looking guy from TV! I don’t have a dog. I was roller blading, but I even turned down my Donna Summer jam when I saw you to be sure it was you. I don’t need sessions at a dog training place, you know, cuz I don’t have any dogs. But I’d love an autograph. Let me know when you’re in, I’ll come by that dog shop, have you sign my yearbook or my abs or something. ___________________________________________________________________________________ Thanks for the compliment, but I’m nowhere near as famous as Cesar Millan. You don’t want my autograph. But if you’d be so kind as to tell all your friends with dogs about Must Love Dogs, now open on Main Street in Tenafly, I’d really appreciate it! Thanks Roller Blader! __________________________________________________________________________________ OK, so, yeah, my dog bit you. You was cute. I kissed you on the lips, even though you was bit on the arm. I said you tasted like vodka, yum, yum. Let’s do this, baby boy. ___________________________________________________________________________________ <<delete reply>> ___________________________________________________________________________________ Brother, you gotta give up on that park chick. Take it from me, leave it behind. Ain’t nothing but problems trying to follow that lead. Get yourself a real woman and get off the internet. I’m not steering you wrong, brother. I got your back. God bless. ___________________________________________________________________________________ I don’t really know what to say to this other than God bless you too. ___________________________________________________________________________________ I’m telling you man, stay true. Don’t be led astray by some sweet thing with a dog or a cat or a fish or nothing. You just follow the way and God will get with you, baby. Praise be. ___________________________________________________________________________________ <<delete replies>> ___________________________________________________________________________________ Oh how the stars align to cross our paths once more! This time, my Romeo, I won’t let you run off into the ill-fated night. No more doubts, my love. I, Juliet will leave my treacherous family, marry you secretly by twilight, swallow a poisonous draught for eternity’s gain. We must find our way to the Friar and consummate this blessed, misunderstood union. Come for me anon, Romeo. Let me not wander this wretched earth without you for another minute more. ___________________________________________________________________________________ I love that play too, but I am not your Romeo. I am, however, a dog trainer with a new shop on Main Street in Tenafly called Must Love Dogs. So if you and Romeo have a dog, come by and get 15% off our introductory course to avoid some typical new pet problems. ___________________________________________________________________________________ The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks. Romeo wherefore are thou Romeo? ___________________________________________________________________________________ Yeah, no. That’s from Hamlet. ___________________________________________________________________________________ Asshole. ___________________________________________________________________________________ <<delete replies>> ___________________________________________________________________________________ Bobby? Why are you playing these silly games? You had me convinced it was real. We shared our hopes and dreams. You know I want seven musical children and I know you love chess. I don’t understand. Why did you stop answering??? ___________________________________________________________________________________ I’m sorry, you’ve got the wrong guy. I’m not Bobby. But I hope you find him and it all works out. ___________________________________________________________________________________ Seriously? You’re going to keep playing me like this? All I ever did was love you and try to be the woman you wanted--no, needed--me to be. Sue me for trying, Bobby. ___________________________________________________________________________________ <<delete replies>> ___________________________________________________________________________________ If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain; if you’re not into health food, if you’re into champagne; if you like making love at midnight in the dunes on the cape, then I’m the lady you’re looking for, so message me and escape. ___________________________________________________________________________________ At a bar called O’Malley’s … on second thought … <<delete replies>> ___________________________________________________________________________________ I can’t believe it. My friend, the one I was at the park with, told me you posted this. I thought she was making it up, she’s that kind of friend, haha. I AM SO SORRY about the bite!! I swear, Rhonda never bites!! I don’t know what came over her. Maybe it was the excitement of seeing the other dogs, or great weather, or maybe she was hungry?? I really am so sorry. She’s healthy, no rabies or anything, so don’t worry about that. I hope you didn’t need stitches though. And I have to wonder how you typed this because you must have a massive bandage on that finger at the very least, no??? I’m sorry about the kiss and the “There, it’s all better” comment. I wasn’t thinking. It’s just the way I react when my nephew (he’s 6) gets hurt. Of course I was mortified when I realized what I had done, so I just grabbed Rhonda and ran. You seemed nice and I felt bad about ruining your demo and all. Let me take you for coffee to make it up. I mean, coffee doesn’t make up for something like that, especially not if there’s stitches involved, haha, but it’s the least I can do. My name’s Tiffany, by the way. ___________________________________________________________________________________ Oh wow! Tiffany! I’m so glad you found your way to my post! I’m so glad your friend found her way to my post! Your friend was a she, right? I can’t remember, I’m sorry. I was really only looking at you. And your Rhonda, once she chomped down on my finger. You named her right, she really is a little Rhonda Rousey. Yeah, writing’s a little bit of a challenge, but I was never a great typist in the first place, so no major loss. Listen, I’d love to take you out, get to know you a bit. And I want you to take the free sessions at Must Love Dogs. I think we would both agree they won’t go to waste, hahaha. OK, so, can I call? Give me your number? Please? Oh, and my name’s Nick. ___________________________________________________________________________________ Yeah, so, again, I’m really sorry about the bite, Nick. I don’t know what went wrong there. Rhonda is usually a sweet girl. Actually, I didn’t name her for Rhonda Rousey, I named her for my aunt who died from a parasitic infection she picked up working for the Peace Corps in Rwanda. About the free sessions though, I’m kind of getting the feeling that maybe this is really all about the business. Which is fine, I just thought that maybe it was a little more than that. Not a whole thing or anything, you know. Not like wedding bells and all that, but just a “hey, you’re nice, let’s just get to know each other” kind of thing. I’m sorry if I misunderstood. I guess I should just take the sessions and shut up now. ___________________________________________________________________________________ Oh! I’m sorry to hear about your aunt. That is so sad. I’m so sorry for bringing that up. I really do want to get to know you. The whole free sessions thing was just a way to seem kind of casual and off-handed when I wrote the first post. Bad idea, I guess. Now that I’m thinking about it, there’s no real way to make that seem off-handed. Especially in light of the typing with one hand, haha. Don’t worry about the free sessions. That was just stupid. Please, let me take you to dinner. I know a great Italian place in Cresskill. What do you say? ___________________________________________________________________________________ OK. It’s good to know I wasn’t reading into things. Italian place in Cresskill sounds great. I love Italian food. I’m Italian on my mother’s side and we still have family there, so I could eat pasta pretty much all the time. Of course, if I do that I’ll end up big as a house like my Nonna, haha. Does this mean I don’t get the free sessions though? I’d really like a date with you, but I’d really like the free sessions too because I guess Rhonda really does need some help. I don’t mean to be rude, but maybe we can do dinner and the free sessions? ___________________________________________________________________________________ Wow, the more I write the worse of a mess I make! I totally want you to have the free sessions! And I totally want the date, so, yes, let’s do both. Rhonda definitely could use a little training (maybe a lot of training!) and, you know, that’s what I’m all about. So let’s say Saturday at 8? Can I pick you up? Maybe get reacquainted with Rhonda? ___________________________________________________________________________________ A lot of training? Look. I told you she doesn’t bite. That was the only time she’s done that. Alright, it was maybe the third time she’s done that. But it’s not like it was out of nowhere. You were kind of all over the place bouncing around and the other dogs were worked up too, so it’s not a real surprise that one of them bit you. I am very sorry it was my Rhonda, of course. I guess Saturday at 8 sounds great. Let’s hold off on seeing Rhonda again so soon though. I don’t want to end up having to take you to the hospital instead of dinner if things go badly again. How about you tell me where the place is and I’ll meet you there? ___________________________________________________________________________________ OK. I should quit while I’m ahead. Let’s start over at Prosecco. It’s on Madison Avenue in Cresskill, just across the street from the Post office. I’ll meet you there at 8:00. Thank you for giving me a chance. More like 3 or 4 chances, I guess. I’m just a little nervous and kind of in shock that I actually found you. I mean, you should see all the weird propositions I got in response to my post. You’d think I had written a straight-up sex ad. I’m still wondering about some of them. ___________________________________________________________________________________ You’re still wondering about all the propositions you got? Well don’t let me stand in the way of your curiosity. You want to look into some other offers, by all means, go for it. I don’t even know what made me think you’re a nice guy. Go to hell, Nick. ___________________________________________________________________________________ Oh my god, no!! No! I did NOT mean I was curious about the propositions!! I just meant, they were all so weird, like maybe you’d find them funny and it really was funny that after all of that weirdness, there you were and I really can’t believe I’m messing this up. Please, Tiffany, let’s just meet for dinner, in person, and see if this can work. ___________________________________________________________________________________ Whatever. Fine. I guess we can try. It can’t be any worse than the last few dates I went on. Can you just try to not creep me out though? ___________________________________________________________________________________ <<wtf?>> Gee, Tiffany, I don’t know. I can try to not creep you out, but maybe to be extra sure you should go to dinner without me. Take Rhonda with you. Maybe she’ll bite a waiter this time and maybe he won’t creep you out. Good luck with that. ___________________________________________________________________________________ <<delete replies>> <<turns on Netflix>>
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