As the Dust Settles The warmth from the sun on her face caused Dusty to stir. As she stretched in her bed, she reached over and noticed the void already. She rolled over to his side, the sheets cool on her bare back. She flipped to lay on her belly, burying her face in his pillow and inhaled deeply, savoring the scent he left behind. It was faint, but it was still there. She wanted to hold on to that and never let it go. She smiled as her mind drifted to the last night they’d spent together. How the two of them fell asleep in each other’s arms, listening to the rain outside, as the cool night breeze blew in the open window. It had been perfect.
Now, the air was still cool, but the clouds had lifted and the sun was streaming in from behind the curtain. Dusty stretched again knowing it was time to get up and start preparing for her day. She walked over to the window and stood for just a moment, one hand on her hip, the other resting absently on her belly. As she looked out over the city below, she Sighed deeply and turned to pad to the bathroom. A shower was sure to wake her up and give her some time to think. She cranked the faucet as hot as she could, and the mirrors were soon covered in steam. She left the door open so some of the heavy air could escape, but she liked wiping the mirror off when she got out of the shower, so she didn’t turn the overhead fan on. Dusty stepped in and pulled the glass door closed behind her. She closed her eyes as the water washed over her, and she began thinking about him. Their nearly perfect relationship, and where it all began. **Two years earlier** Dusty was sitting on the corner stool at a bar after a long day at work. She had stopped in on a whim as she needed a drink to unwind from a lousy day. It wasn’t her usual way of destressing, but hitting the gym just wasn’t going to do it that night. She had just ordered another shot of whiskey when she noticed a handsome guy walk up to the bar and order a beer. Their eyes met and Dusty couldn’t deny the intensity with which he held her gaze. Soon the two were having a superficial conversation about the day’s events and how they ended up at the bar. Glancing at the party he’d left, he said, “I really should get back to them.” As if on cue, the crowd he’d left whooped loudly, obviously not missing his presence. “Yeah. Looks like they’re really wondering where you’re at.” He laughed at her quick wit. It was almost snarky. “You’re something, aren’t you?” She laughed. “Something. The jury’s still out as to what, exactly, that something is.” He excused himself then and returned to the group. She finished her drink and ordered one more round. Dusty cashed out, threw a five on the bar, and was pulling on her coat when suddenly someone was behind her, lending a hand. She turned and locked eyes with the guy from earlier. “You wanna get outta here? There’s a diner down the street. Open twenty-four hours. Serve a mean French toast. I need something to soak up all the booze.” She looked at him, and could not avoid his eyes. They were crystal blue, and for whatever reason, she knew she could trust him. He wasn’t the kind of guy she was typically attracted to. He was fit and trim. He dressed stylish, and his brown hair was coiffed and styled with, she was guessing, more product than she used. Normally, this guy would immediately turn her off, looking like he just stepped from the pages of a magazine. But those eyes. Those eyes told her she had nothing to worry about and she would be comfortable and secure with him. Usually guarded and safe, Dusty surprised herself when she said, “Yeah. Let’s get outta here.” The two walked to the diner. It was brisk outside, but winter hadn’t set in yet. Simple fleece sweatshirts were all the cover they needed from the elements. The conversation was easy, and Dusty was surprised at how much they had in common. Both were from the Midwest, her from outside St. Louis and he from a small farm town in Central Illinois. They ended up in Philly thanks to work. Her background in writing had landed her a job working at a PR firm. He studied in Chicago and moved east to work for a real estate developer. They came from small families: he was an only child, and she had only one sister. They spent the evening talking and laughing. Because it seemed like they’d known each other forever, Dusty realized she had no idea what this man’s name was. “Hey. We’ve been talking for nearly three hours. I know where you grew up. I know you’re an only child. I know your dad was a farmer. But I don’t know your name.” He laughed a good hearty laugh. “I guess that’s important. I’m Ace.” Her eyes widened. “Ace?!” She laughed out loud. “Did you say Ace? I’m sorry. I just didn’t know that was someone’s name.” Crimson creeped up his cheeks. “Yeah. It’s my nickname. When I was in school, I was pretty good at blackjack. My frat brothers started calling me ‘Ace’ because they swore I had one up my sleeve. It stuck. I’ve been Ace ever since.” “Well, Ace,” she put emphasis on his name, “I’m Dusty. It’s nice to meet you.” She smiled The conversation went on, much the same way, for another hour or so: the two of them laughing and sharing. So easy and comfortable. At one point in the evening, Ace looked at her and told her he felt they were destined to be together. She was his destiny. She laughed quietly. The irony wasn’t lost on her. She told him that Destiny was, in fact, her given name. Her kid sister, thirteen years Dusty’s junior, hadn’t been able to say it, and “Dusty” was as close as she came. It stuck. The two laughed and shook their heads at this revelation. It was getting late and they decided they should head out. He offered to walk her home that night, and when they got to her door, he kissed her. She knew it was crazy, after all, she’d just met him, but she invited him in. She just could not deny this connection. She couldn’t pretend what they had wasn’t special. It was late, after midnight, and she hoped he wouldn’t pass. He admitted he had to get up early the next morning, but he didn’t see what coming up for one more drink would hurt. They sat and nursed their drinks, prolonging the inevitable. They both had to get some sleep as morning would be here shortly. It was clear that they hated to say goodnight to one another, but they knew the time was coming. As they stood, him to leave, her to walk him to the door, he kissed her again. This time it was more urgent. Not the simple chaste kiss from the sidewalk. This kiss told her that he needed her as much as she needed him, but she didn’t know yet why or for what. She gave in and kissed him back, allowing herself to melt into this man she just met. He pulled back and looked in her eyes. “Good night, Dusty.” “Good night, Ace.” Nervously, she handed him one of her business cards. “Give me a call if you’re in the area again.” She had low expectations for a future meeting, after all, this was a guy she picked up in a bar. How often do those meetups turn out to be something special? But at the same time, she couldn’t shake the feeling that they would, in fact, see each other again. She locked the door behind him, and leaned against it. She half considered pulling it open and wondered if she’d find him on the other side, like in the movies. Her head was swimming with questions, scenarios, and wonderment. She didn’t know why, but she knew this man, Ace, was meant to be part of her life. He did not call the next day. Dusty woke up, and out of habit, checked her phone. No missed calls. But as she unlocked her phone, she saw the new text notification. The sender was not yet in her contacts, and her heart skipped a beat with anticipation. She opened the message and smiled as she read: Hey, Dusty. It’s late. I haven’t been to sleep yet. I just needed to tell you how great tonight was. Who knew that going to an obligatory work function would result in my meeting you? I hope I was able to help turn your day around. I know you helped me with mine. Later. A She smiled as she thought of their conversations, the laughter, their connection. She was incredibly attracted to this man, but it was beyond a physical attraction. She was pulled to him. She was drawn to his intellect, his sense of humor, his caring personality. And of course, his eyes. She texted him at lunch and he responded immediately. They made plans to meet at the same bar that night. They did that night and the night after that. This went on for close to a month: the two of them, Ace and Dusty, were becoming regulars at the bar where they’d met by chance a month earlier. The bartender got to the point where he knew their drink order. And it wasn’t long that Dusty was known as Ace’s girlfriend. Roughly six weeks into this odd, meet-at-night, relationship, Ace surprised Dusty by showing up at her work. She could feel a presence at her desk and when she looked up, she saw him standing there, a sheepish grin on her face. “Hey, beautiful. Wanna grab a bite?” He held up two paper sacks, one in each hand, and smiled a goofy smile. Dusty was surprised to see him there. Her face lit up. “Hey, babe! What a surprise! Sure.” She glanced around her desk and half-heartedly straightened the sloppy stacks of paperwork. “Lunch would be amazing.” She sighed and laughed, getting up from her desk. It was a lovely fall day, so the two decided to sit outside and eat. The air was warm, the last few breaths of Indian Summer circling around them. This perfect moment was typical for the two of them: the weather nearly always cooperating, the conversation easy and comfortable. However, Dusty couldn’t shake a feeling that Ace wasn’t being totally up front with her. She was, at times, too clingy, or so she’d been told. Guys would fall for her and then she’d do something they interpreted as jealousy or neediness and that would be it. She didn’t want to mess this up with Ace. She didn’t want to push him. After all, that’s how a lot of her previous relationships had failed, but she needed to know where things were going. She had to be sure she wasn’t wasting her time. “Ace…” Her voice trailed off. He looked up and put his burger down. “Yeah, Dus, what’s up?” “Ace, I need to ask you something. I have this feeling...it’s kind of been tugging at me. Something is off. I don’t want to sound accusatory, but I feel like you’re keeping something from me.” He looked surprised. “Destiny, I love you. I thought you felt that too.” It was the first time she’d thought about it, but yes, she did. She realized she was in love with him. She thought about him when they were apart, and never wanted him to leave when they were together. “I do, Ace. I really do, but I have to be honest. Something just doesn’t feel right.” She took a deep breath before she went on. “You stay at my place longer and longer little by little, but you never stay all night. We make love, fall asleep together, but you’re gone before the sun comes up. You text and call, but I get the feeling that you’re uneasy with my initiating a conversation that way. I’ve never been to your place. I know where you work, but I don’t know where you live. We go out with my friends a lot, but I’ve never met any of yours. I have this boyfriend who I feel I know better than anyone, but at the same time I feel like I don’t know him at all.” He was quiet for a long time. He looked at her, held her gaze. “What? Are you a spy?” She laughed. “Oh wait,” she rolled her eyes, and feigned shock, “you’re married?” He swallowed hard, and pulled out his wallet. He opened it and showed her a picture of a sweet, smiling little boy. “This is my son.” A son. He had a son. She could deal with that. Naturally, she would have appreciated knowing from the beginning, but it made sense. She understood why she couldn’t go to his house. “I see. Ace, I wish you’d told me about this from the beginning. So you have a kid. Big deal. It’s nothing to hide. I get why you can’t stay out all night. I mean you have to be home to relieve the sitter.” Again her voice trailed off. “The sitter,” she repeated. “There IS a sitter, right? Or he’s with his mom? Where’s his mom, Ace. Where’s your son’s mother? Who stays with this kid when you’re with me every night?” His silence was all the answer she needed. Angry, hurt, and betrayed, Dusty stood and walked away. She could hear him calling, and she quickened her pace. He caught up to her and grabbed her arm and spun her around. “Dusty! Destiny!” He tried explaining himself, and she yelled. She cried and shook her head. When he pulled her toward him, and kissed her hard, she shoved him away, and wiped her lips as if to wipe him and his lies from her mind. His eyes filled with tears. She turned and walked away. She heard him call to her again, but she faced forward and continued walking. As Dusty headed back toward her office, she pictured him standing there, looking dejected. For a moment, she felt sorry for him. The pain and sadness in his eyes. It was almost too much for her. She very nearly turned around several times, but fought the urge. She loved this man. How could he have lied to her like this? But did he lie? She hadn’t explicitly asked him if he was married. And when she did, he didn’t hide the truth from her. Was it a lie? It was the next thought that turned her stomach: she had slept with a married man. She was a homewrecker. Inside her building, the nausea was overpowering, and she bolted for the first bathroom she could find. Inside the stall, she vomited. Throwing up over and over, it was as if she was trying to rid her body of the situation. She couldn’t believe this was her life, couldn’t believe she had slept with a married man. Dusty dodged Ace’s calls. She didn’t respond to his texts. The emails went directly to the trash. For weeks, maybe even months, she didn’t speak to him. It pained her. She missed him, and felt that she had left part of herself behind on the sidewalk. Yet, she soldiered on. She even started dating. She tried everything she could to forget about Ace. Eventually, the calls and the texts and the emails stopped, and she found herself missing him less and less. **Present Day** Wiping soapy tears from her eyes, Dusty shut off the shower. She reached for the towel hanging next to the door and wrapped it around her body. Facing the mirror, she reached forward and wiped the steam away. She looked at her reflection. She wasn’t the tiny size 6 she had been a few months before. She had gotten comfortable in her relationship, and had put on a few pounds. However, she was still quite pleased with the way she looked. The braces she’d gotten as an adult had done wonders, and when she smiled the crooked grin of her awkward teenage years was nowhere to be found. She lotioned up her body to trap in the moisture, all the while thinking of him and how far they’d come. **One year ago** One wintry night, about a year after the scene at lunch, Dusty was walking home from a night out. She and her girlfriends laughed and joked as they stomped through the fresh snow, and slid on the hidden ice. They stopped in front of Dusty’s apartment and said their farewells. It was cool and crisp outside, but Dusty wanted to open the windows once she was inside. It was the one holdover from her time with Ace: he had loved the cool air blowing in at night, and Dusty had grown to love it too. Plus, the cool air would help to sober her up quicker. She got out her key and unlocked the front door and headed upstairs. The elevator was, as per usual, out of order, so it was a long hike up to the fifth floor. She kicked off her boots around three, and continued up in her stockings. The stairwell was dimly lit, and as she reached each landing she could see the snow that had started to fall. She knew once she got inside, a sad, skinny little Christmas tree would be waiting for her. That and the bottle of Moscato in the fridge. She smiled as she thought of the sparse condition of her refrigerator. Moscato, butter, cottage cheese, and an egg. Dusty hoped there wasn’t a shut-down-the-town blizzard coming. She wouldn’t survive too long on her rations. The holidays were not her favorite time of year. In fact, her fridge held more promise with its sparse contents. She didn’t have happy memories of Christmastime from childhood. Money was usually tight, and the stress of the holidays didn’t help. Her parents, who barely spoke eleven months out of the year, spent December in an all out war with each other. It was miserable for Destiny growing up. Then thirteen years later, Daphne came along, making things even more tense. It was then that Destiny decided she wouldn’t get married and certainly wouldn’t have children. What did she know about being in a functional relationship, let alone raising a well rounded child ready to contribute to society? She pushed open the door at the end of the hall on the fifth floor. Dusty was more than ready for bed. She had worked hard that day, and the “quick drink after work” had turned into three hours of pretty steady imbibing. As she rounded the corner, Dusty saw someone sitting on the floor at the end of the hall. He was in front of her apartment. Dusty was too drunk to turn around, but sober enough to panic. Reaching into her purse for the pepper spray on her keychain, she approached her apartment. The man, sitting with his head resting on his knees, looked up. The first thing Dusty noticed was his eyes. She breathed his name, “Ace.” It hung in the air. She wasn’t sure why, but she wasn’t surprised to see him there. Suddenly she was quite sober, and Ace was getting up off the floor. “Dusty...I didn’t know if I should come.” “Why are you here?” “I had to see you. It’s been too hard. I’m not happy with the way things ended. I needed to talk to you. Clear the air. Closure.” Dusty looked at him for a moment. She couldn’t believe this. Dusty had spent so much time getting over him, getting used to his not being around or part of her life. And now, here he was. Against her better judgement, she said, “Fine. Come in. I don’t want to stand in the hall all night.” The two entered her apartment. The white walls, white furniture, white curtains would give an outsider the impression that Dusty was cold. However, Ace breathed a sigh of relief. Dusty noticed his sigh and looked at him. She saw the far off look in his eyes. She wondered if he was remembering their time, the ease with which their relationship grew. Did the familiar smells of her place brought back memories like Chinese takeout in front of the fridge, cooking pasta on her stovetop, making love on the living room floor? “Why are you here?” Dusty’s abrupt repeating of her question jolted Ace back to reality. He took a step toward her. “I’ve missed you, Dusty.” Dusty took a step back. “You lied to me, Ace.” Ace hung his head and leaned back on his heels. “I did. It was shitty-” Dusty threw her hands in the air. “Shitty?! Shitty is forgetting our anniversary. Shitty is getting a speeding ticket. What you did was unforgivable! Honestly, Ace, I don’t know why you’re here. I don’t know what you expect to happen, but it’s over. It’s been over for months.” “You don’t meant that. I see the pain in your eyes.” “The pain you see isn’t because I miss you. It’s because you made a fool out of me. I think you should go.” Dusty could tell by the way Ace hung his head that she’d hit a nerve, and he knew she was right. He looked her in the eye. “I left her. I couldn’t make it work. It wasn’t meant to work. I left.” Dusty stared at him. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “You’re kidding.” “I moved my stuff out today. I found an apartment not far from her so I can still take Will to school. I didn’t leave because of you. I didn’t leave for you. I left for me. I was so unhappy, Destiny. I needed to get out.” “So you came here, why? I’ll ask it again: Why are you here?” “I want to try again. Start fresh. No lies. No omissions. My name is Jake. I’m 40 years old. I work in advertising. I’m separated from my wife, and we have a 4-year-old son named Will.” She was quiet a moment. “My name is Destiny. I’m 31 years old. And it must be the alcohol because I’m asking you to stay the night.” **Present Day** Dusty pulled her stockings up to her thigh and clipped the garter. She then stood in front of the mirror and applied her makeup. As she contoured, she thought about those days after Ace had left Jessie. They spent that Christmas together. No gifts were exchanged because “spending time together was gift enough.” They ate Chinese takeout on Christmas Day and watched old black and white movies on the TV. Her office had shut down for the holiday, and he had taken the remainder of his vacation, so the two spent their days playing in the snow, buying groceries, and hanging out at home. One night, close to New Year’s Eve, they were laying in bed, and Ace propped himself up on his elbow and looked at her seriously. “I want you to meet him.” Dusty, laying on her back, opened her eyes and rolled her head toward him. “Who?” “Will. I want you to meet Will. You’re the two most important people in my life. I want the two of you to meet.” This surprised Dusty. She spent a lot of time in her life avoiding kids. She was uneasy around them. She never knew what to say to them or how to act. “I don’t know, Ace. That’s a huge step. I don’t even like kids.” “You’ll like him. I promise. He’s a lot like me. Only smaller. And cuter.” He grinned a goofy grin, obviously proud of his joke and his son. Dusty thought about it and finally agreed. She sighed and smiled before telling him, “I would love to meet your son.” From then on, it was the three of them when Will was with Ace. Dusty liked this role of “bonus mom.” She got all the benefits of being a mother with none of the responsibility, really. And Will really was a great kid. He and Dusty clicked instantly. Like with his dad, Dusty felt an instant connection. His smile warmed her heart and his innocent ways helped her see the world through her eyes. He loved so purely that it was easy to love him back. Naturally, Dusty was nervous when she and Ace would pick Will up. There was a considerable amount of tension between Ace and Will’s mom, Jessie. It was abundantly clear that Ace and Jessie were still married and Jessie didn’t approve of Ace’s finding a girlfriend so quickly. Every time they were together, Dusty felt she was being scrutinized and picked apart. Dusty, always the epitome of put together felt the harsh glare and cold eyes of Jessie, who rarely wore makeup or fixed her hair. She often appeared tired, and Dusty attributed this to exhaustion from being a mom. It often confounded Dusty when she considered how Ace could be attracted to the plain, nondescript woman that was the mother of his child and also attracted to Dusty. Dusty observed Jessie’s interactions with her son when they’d meet for the exchange. No doubt, Jessie loved Will, but their relationship wasn’t warm and caring. Dusty noticed that Will rarely initiated physical contact with his mom, instead choosing to simply say “bye” when they picked him up or “hi” when they dropped him off. Jessie was often telling Will to hold still, be quiet, calm down, etc. This pained Dusty. It reminded her of her own childhood: a childhood where she could do nothing right. She ultimately ended up resenting her parents for not allowing her to be a kid. She vowed that she and Will would never have that relationship. Dusty reveled in the way Will reacted when he saw her. Dusty joined Ace at church on Sundays. On the Sundays Will was with Ace, it was Will’s job to find a pew to sit in. Dusty would walk into the church and the little boy would run into her arms. “Dusty!” His smile stretched from ear to ear. Every time, Dusty would crouch down and catch him as he leapt toward her. Scooping him up, she would nuzzle his ear and say, “Hi buddy! How have you been?” She knew the boy would giggle from the ticklish sensation and wriggle out of her arms. He’d take her hand and lead her into the sanctuary. She could count on him turning over his shoulder many times to smile proudly at her. He was the important one here. It was up to him to show her the way to their seat. Once the three were seated, Will climbed up into Dusty’s lap. He examined her eyeshadow, her earrings, and her lipstick. “Do you have on chapstick?” “No, buddy. It’s lipstick. It turns your lips pink.” Will studied her intently for a moment before planting his cheek against her lips. She laughed at the pink lip print as he pulled back. “Or it turns your cheek pink.” She wiped it off as best she could. Will snuggled down into Dusty’s chest. And at one moment he looked up, took her face in his hands, and said, “Dusty, I love you.” It was then that Dusty’s heart melted. She hugged him close and whispered, “I love you too.” **Present** Dusty pulled the long black dress on over her head. She sat on the foot of her bed and pulled her knees up to her chest. As she sat there, hugging her knees, the tears started. “Damn.” She went back to the bathroom and dabbed her face with a tissue. She had hoped not to have to reapply her makeup. She looked in the mirror. Satisfied with her makeup, and her simple ponytail, she smoothed her dress down in front. She sighed as she noticed this garment didn’t fit like it used to. Shaking her head, she walked back into the bedroom and slipped into a pair of black pumps. Dusty grabbed the small black clutch she kept in her dresser drawer. She threw a pack of tissues, a lipstick, and her wallet inside. At the last minute she grabbed some TUMS to fight the bouts of nausea that came and went at the drop of a hat. Finally, she grabbed some chewing gum. She didn’t anticipate talking to many people, but she couldn’t be too careful. Plus, it would help with the TUMS aftertaste. Downstairs, Dusty hailed a cab. It was a cool, crisp, sunny day. Ace’s favorite kind of day. The leaves had started to turn, and smells of fall were in the air. Dusty took a deep breath as she climbed in the backseat and gave the driver the address. She put dark glasses on and closed her eyes, not ready or willing to face what was happening. Two weeks ago, Ace had come to Dusty’s place, out of the blue. He didn’t call to see if she was home. Taking a chance, he stepped to her porch and rang the buzzer. She buzzed him in, confused, but excited for this unscheduled visit. However, her excitement dwindled when she saw his face as she opened her door. “What is it? Is everything OK? Is Will OK?” Dusy fired questions off, one after the other. “Will is fine.” Ace half smiled. He took a deep breath and continued. “Destiny, we have to talk.” She knew what that meant. She’d heard it all too often. Her insides fluttered momentarily. She laid her hand on her belly as if to calm the butterflies. “What? Just say it. Rip off the Band-Aid.” So he did. He sat on the couch, put his forehead in his hands, and told her everything. He told her how hard the separation had been on him. How, even though he loved Dusty, he loved Jessie too. He wanted to work things out with her. “Dusty...I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. I’m in love with two people. Two women who are as different as night and day, yet two women who make me complete in one way or another.” Destiny lowered herself into the chair. She didn’t know what to say, couldn’t see straight. Running her hands through her hair, she started to shake. She didn’t want to beg him to stay, but she couldn’t bear the thought of letting him go. She had everything with him. Normally cool and together, Dusty was angry at the tears that sprung in her eyes, giving away her emotion. “Dammit.” She wiped her eyes with the backs of her hands, noticing the eyeliner and mascara that streaked her skin. “Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.” She started crying harder now, and she was unsure if it was because of what Ace had told her or if it was because of the smeared makeup. Eventually, her emotions took over, and Dusty became furious. She called him everything she could think of. Horrible things. Disgusting things. As she raged, Ace sat, head down, and took it. Eventually, he came to her, knelt by her and wrapped her in his arms. She sobbed heavy sobs.. Then she looked him in the eye. “You may suck at relationships, Ace, but you’re a damn good dad. I’m glad you’re capable of doing one thing right. I think you should go.” That was the last time she saw Ace. Until today. She wasn’t sure she was prepared for this. She would not only see him, but she’d see Jessie too. Their meetings were awkward at best, and today’s encounter would be beyond uncomfortable. Dusty didn’t know what to expect or how to act. The cab driver pulled up at her stop, and after swiping her credit card, Dusty got out. She turned and headed up the steps through the front door. The music playing was slow, somber. The room was dimly lit and Dusty made her way to the front. Looking down into the casket, Dusty inhaled sharply. She knew what she’d see there, but it still shocked her to see Ace made up so artificially. She recalled hearing that there had been a car accident near her building. She remembered the sirens and the police. Someone on her floor looked out the window and said that a pedestrian had been hit. That he stepped into the crosswalk while the driver blew through the stop sign. Getting up from her desk, Dusty walked over to the window and looked outside. She couldn’t see a person, but she saw what looked like a bouquet of pastel flowers on the ground in front of a car in the crosswalk and a helium mylar baby bottle balloon float up past her office window. Dusty would probably never know what really happened, but she was certain that Ace was there, in the crosswalk, the flowers and balloon for her.
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