ROSSANA PETERSON - A STILLNESS OF HEART~THE SHOOTING STAR AND THE GRAIN OF SAND~

She is definitely a dreamer. She is also a soul who finally understood that every light matters, and that the light coming from the heart, no matter the form it takes on its path, is the greatest proof of love and life we'll ever experience. Both for ourselves, and the world around us. So she decided to set her light free, hoping that someone, somewhere might find it inspiring in some way. Hoping that it would light a spark in a world that longs to hear every heartbeat transform into luminous expressions of love.

​A stillness of heart
~The shooting star and the grain of sand~

 
Here we are again, you and me. Different in form, and almost everything really. Except for the core, which is in itself everything. It surrounds us, it envelops us in a light that moves within and without, through our every cell in turn and all at once. So how different are we after all?
I am happy to be here again, you and me. It feels like a long forgotten state of mind and spirit we should have remembered, but never did. We got lost, you and me. And from the chaos of getting lost in the appearances of the world, a new us was born. A new form laying on the foundation of the eternal, allowing us to feel and hear and just be. Be each other, and every one of the forms we think we see beyond the borders of our own body. Embodying the entire Universe, in all its beauty and complexity. The grain of sand, the drop of ocean returning to the pool of life as it knows it, the shooting star and the lonely planet, standing somewhere at the edge of a crowd of planets surrounding a white dwarf, once an enormous star, now only the dust left behind by angered greatness. For greatness gives birth to anger, and anger turns greatness into dust.
It IS us, this universe that appears unreachable. It breathes form through our inhale/exhale sequences, it loves through all our hearts, it becomes through our becoming and moves with each step we take, knowingly or not, conscious of our choices or… not. We carry its greatness and its anger on our shoulders, by creating it and letting it overwhelm us. So how can we say it is not all a game? A game of contraries, approaching and moving further away from each other, in a dance of life, beneath which is the very core of it all. The stillness, a silence of energy and an abundance of spirit, that which is sought and rarely found, that which brings peace of mind to a tired cluster of atoms.
And yet we, as humans, seem to get lost in form. Thoughts, emotions, even what we call love. It’s all form, because we don’t really take the time to go beneath, within and underneath ourselves. But what if we did?
*
 The Now
And by loving every person you meet, you come to the realization that all this time you were learning how to love pieces of yourself deemed not worthy of love. You were taught how to love your Self.
IT came flooding, the liberation from strings, the cutting of chords that were keeping her tied to people in which she saw parts of herself. Parts that she didn’t know how to love within herself, so she found them outside and loved the soul out of them. And out of her. For by loving so, her soul resurfaced and was now shining through. And then, in waves, came the freedom from all the external manifestations of herself. She saw them all inside of her, integrated them and then integrated the love which has been pouring like rain on everything around her. And thus the love grew and grew until there was nothing else left. She had the whole Universe inside of her.
It was a different kind of love, unlike Plato described it in his Banquet. No, love wasn’t of something lacking. He had gotten it wrong. You don’t love what’s lacking. You fall in love with that which is already inside of you, hidden, waiting to be revealed, to be cherished and valued. And the more complex your inner universe, the more you love on the outside. Until you come to love every atom surrounding you, thus coming to the knowledge that you contain inside everything. As above so below…
So now, everytime she fell in love with something or someone, she made it a point to look inside herself for that particular piece of soul, dust it off and hold it like you hold a baby, nurturing it to grow into something she can recognize and give back to the world.
 
Eric
I’ve learned to trust the hand holding the pencil
Fast. Faster. The asphalt was obeyingly silent under the wheels spinning hundreds of times per beat. The beating of a huge heart, which from infinite had become a dot on the canvas of a cruel painter.
It seemed that the wheels, angered but tired, were not moving at all; the right foot was striving to push the gas pedal further on down, but it was already as far down as it could go. His soul was urging him to run, to escape from that God-forsaken place where he had lost his love. In the linear time, he didn’t yet understand that love would always be a part of his being, his own choices deciding whether it would flow freely or be claustrated inside a body aching on its own.
The Full Flower Moon was throwing light on the freshly painted markings on the road by the quiet river. Not a single living soul troubling the ghostly painting, where the chimeras of his past where flying along, still attached to him, grabbing him by the hands and by the soul in a suffocating grip tormenting him uselessly. Use-less-ly… How could one believe that in a complex dimension driven by perfect order, only human life was subject to hazard? Still, so it seemed to him now, when everything he wanted was for the burden of past years to be lifted off of his shoulders, so that he could straighten up and walk again, not barely crawl…
*
Leah
Fast-forward through time, a few months – or lives- later. Another soul is running, in a nonsensical attempt to free itself from the same burden, a weight that’s crushing her fragile shoulders, a weight that’s not hers, and still belongs to her, for Eric belongs to her, together with every moment and every life he experienced. She loves him with all her heart, with all the love in the Universe, the love she picked up and gathered in her heart just like her grandma used to pick up nettles – with care, patience and a bit of compassion. That’s why, I guess, she could still feel so intensely his pain from back then, though faded and buried in time and space. That’s why, maybe, pain, just like love, is a thing for two. And somehow, it feels right. You are healed now, my love…
*
Soft, slightly shaking hands were trying to grasp onto something. There was nothing there to grasp at, but still she was trying, eyes closed, fear running through her bones. It was a girl there, a young beautiful girl, with a shadow following her everywhere. When the shadow was not there, the girl was normal, walking around the city, falling in love… but when it appeared, she would always get the urge to drown herself. She would pull and toss and try to get to the river passing beneath and beyond the big cathedral. She was doing so now, a beautiful sunset laying at her feet, while I was holding her hand, trying to keep her from drowning. You were there too, my love. And when I woke up, here, in this room, the TV on just as it is now, you knew what I was dreaming about. You were having the same dream, trying to save the same girl. Was that girl me? Will we save her? I hope we will, cause I love you and for the first time, you make it worth saving me…
Light outside by Wakey! Wakey! was playing in the background when she woke up. But where did it come from? Oh, her own mind. It had a tendency to do that, to play songs that could answer her every struggle…
*
Beginnings
It all started, as it usually does, with a warm sunny day, except that now it was winter and the warmth and light from the Sun were falling gently on last-night’s snow, revealing an earthy light, brighter than normal, for when earth and sky merge into light, that which is born from the two becomes blinding.
Standing in the doorway of the terrace, long grey skirt, burgundy heels and a grey sweater, auburn hair flowing with the crisp wind, cigarette in one hand and the cup of coffee in the other hand, eyes lost somewhere above the tall buildings of the city, the stillness born from pain was now hers. How will i ever forget him from my heart? Leah was trying to remember the idea of her last e-mail to him. It was all a blank. Except for two words. Empty shells.
Although it was more than a month since they saw each other, physical presence was never really necessary with them. It was that kind of connection, where the souls had found different ways to be with each other, given the physical impossibility.
Oh but i don’t want to go back, i won’t revisit everything. It is too painful for now... Empty shells still hurt, God!
As she was mumbling that to herself, familiar footsteps were approaching from the stairs. It was hard for her to turn around and greet the person approaching, as if she was a painting, standing there, as if her movements were the decision of someone else, artistic, yet not hers. His voice broke the chains keeping her on someone else’s canvas.
`Morning!`
`Hey there!`, and with a crooked smile, that encompassed all the suffering of the world, Leah had his attention. Funny, she had been seeing him for a while now, but she didn’t know his name.
The boy lit a cigarette and stood by her side, staring seemingly into the same abyss she was feeling.
`Cold morning, huh?` he said with a confidence she knew she was lacking.
`Yeah, a bit`. She was lying. For her, it wasn’t cold. To feel the cold, one must be warm. And warmth was but a memory to her body...
`Leah`, she said, cold hand held out towards him.   
`Eric`, a smile and a warm heart made her acquiantance.
`Oh, Eric, i so want to build a snowman!` Oh come on, Leah, do you have to be so weird from the beginning? Well, at least he’ll know who he’s dealing with. Her heart smiled, unknowingly.
`I already built one. I live in a house, with a small backyard`, he said, not knowing yet if he was lying about the snowman or maybe something else.
`Wow! That’s awesome! I’ve always dreamt of having a back yard`, and she meant that.
`It’s a rental, not mine! I’m not rich`.
He was so honest in his walking the earth... intimidating almost. Yet again, to her, most people were intimidating. That’s why she fell in love with them. At first.
*
A few days, or maybe weeks, had passed. The eyes and hearts grew fonder. Who would have thought that by taking up a hideous habit like smoking, one could get to fall in love? Well, Leah didn’t know it yet. But she was about to find out.
`’Morning!’
`Hey there! Morning!` she said trying hard to pull her mind out of itself and into the world again.
`Alone? How come?` Eric’s boss asked amused. The thing is he had seen Eric follow Leah everytime she would come up for a cigarette. It was funny really, especially after everything Eric had been through, and all the company knowing it.
`I don’t know. The girls are not around, I guess.` She played dumb. Or maybe she was oblivious in this particular case. It is a fact, that empaths are sometimes hard to recognize things when they happen to them personally.
`By the way, where is Eric? It’s the first day i don’t see him around here.` What happened, girl? Why ask about the guy? What’s he to you? Oh God, he’s smiling now. Lucky i don’t blush, or else...
`Hehe, he’s out with work. I sent him to fix something.`
`Oh, okay. I’m gonna take off now. Bye!`
Awkwaaard... Well, whatever.
Back in the office, Naty was doing her thing. Working, painting her nails at the same time, the usual. Her curly new friend sensed something was different.
`Hey, gurly gurl! How you doin’?` Joey style. Leah didn’t get the joke. `You have got to watch Friends, honey! Or else you’ll miss half of my jokes!`
`Hehe, yeah, i don’t know. I’m fine, i guess... i was on the terrace, you know.`
`Yeah, your annoying disgusting new habit, i know. What else is going on with you?`
`Nothing really. I met a guy. Eric, you know him? From the IT department.`
`Yup, i know him. He was long time boyfriend of that slut that’s dating my ex younger boyfriend.`
`Oh, i didn’t know that. Wow! Small world..`
`Yup. Be careful there. I heard they spent last summer’s vacation together, even though they were broken up...`
`Yeah, there’s nothing to be careful about. All good. Don’t worry, my curly precious creature! I’m not falling in love for a while now...`
`Oh yeah, i get that!`
Lost on you was playing on the radio. Again, all those feelings coming back up to the surface. Oh, come on! I didn’t even burry you completely yet!
`What’s wrong, woman? Talk to me!`
`Well, this was kind of our song. I mean, the song that reminded us how miserable it was to love each other so much and not get to be together. Just turn it off, okay? Please.`
Instead of doing that, Naty decided something different. She turned the volume up and started dancing towards Leah.
`Oh, i’m so not in the mood, Naty!`
`Come on, girl! It’s over now. You can dance through that pain you keep holding onto for dear life.`
*
Just another 10th of February
Another Friday, another morning to greet, all disheveled bangs and tangled eyelashes. Leah woke up late, again. I used to be so punctual! What happened to me? Maybe mom was right, I am turning into a full disaster.
The bangs she had cut herself a month ago, right after New Year’s, the night when she understood she could not keep loving someone who, on paper, belonged to someone else. But he promised...
Indeed, he said he was gonna visit her on New Year’s Eve. So she stayed at home. Put on a slightly revealing black dress, short enough to not let much to the imagination, put make up on, shampagne on the table and some food, just in case. Long story short, she ended up spending New Year’s with her black cat Luna, singing and dancing with her when the clock struck twelve. And drinking shampagne and smoking. Good thing he taught me how to smoke. It’s really nice to be able to harm myself by choice, not like love does, out of the fucking blue.  
`I cannot be there. I am sorry. But we’ll see each other soon, love. I promise.`
Six months had passed since they fell in love, and this time was worth more pain and happiness than the rest of her life as a whole. Things do balance each other out after all.
Good, book in bag, 10 minutes late, but looking good. To the subway! Bye, dearest Luna! Kiss!
First cigarette, first coffee, first glimpse of Eric in that day.
`’Morning, Leah! You look fancy today`
`Thanks!` It’s just a dress, but okay, i’ll take it. `Oh, it seems Margie is joining us.` The girl was barely visible to Leah, but not to Eric. They were always making fun of each other, teasing and exchanging glances. It was annoying to Leah, for some reason. What could that reason be?
`I’ll be leaving for four months, you know` Leah thought this might make him squirm, but didn’t quite expect his reaction.
`What? Where?`
`Well, i’ll be in another department, experience exchange, getting out of confort zones, you know`.
`Well then, you should buy me a beer before that, you know, so that i’ll miss you more`. Eric was smiling in a cunning way.
Ok, i’ll play your game, mister.
`Fine, i will, but after we get paid. You know how it is before payday`. They were smiling not knowing what some words thrown in the wind on a terrace were creating.
*
Friday. A weirdly sunny but snowy day, Leah and Eric meet again, and just before she takes off, he asks innocently: `So, about that beer, are we set for Tuesday?`
`Yeah, sure! You’ll have my number on Monday!` A smile and crooked woobly legs were walking, almost running, down the stairs. If i don’t stumble now, i never will again! And she had such a passion for stumbling...
*
Friday Afternoon
Oh my, what happened to me? It feels like being in love, but it’s like the first time i’m feeling this. IT feels good, warm and tingly on the inside of my lungs. How can it be? I’ve been in love before, right? I thought i was in love this morning, but with someone else. Now i don’t feel that pain. It’s faded, almost gone. This Eric boy is invading my heart. And it’s not until Monday that i’ll see him again. I miss him. What’s wrong with me? I should have given him my phone number... or maybe not. Maybe it’s better this way. IF the feeling is still here on Monday, then i’ll know it’s not just another one of those beautiful sirens called illusions.

 
She was struggling. Leah was never the steady one, her heart would always kind of fly away without a notice. It must have been hard on those guys from before really... Because somehow she stayed through the worse, she was there, she struggled, she loved and cried and laughed and tried to make them see and experience her love, and when they did, when the pain inflicted on her got smaller and weaker, she would just go. First in spirit, then her body would follow. A real INFJ, for that matter, with the door slam. Once gone, there was nothing that could bring that heart back. She understood that later than anyone else... but once she did, she also perceived why. Why a weary heart never looks back – because it lacks the strength. Because people would take and hurt and be lousy when they are not judged. When there is enough space created for their hearts to grow, the ego would almost always take over. And when they would understand the wound inflicted, it would be too late. For her. Because she was sure the next girl would appreciate the man left behind.
And now, was this another one of those experiences? Maybe she was ready for more than that. Maybe this time she was ready to stay and replenish her heart from the well of an enormous amount of love, bestowed upon them by a Universe much too kind and appreciative of two hearts that only know selfless love and deserve to live and die as one. 
*
Date night
`You do realise today is the 14th of February, right?` He was smiling his beautiful side-tooth-missing heart-warming smile.
`Yeah, well, it doesn’t make much of a difference. I don’t celebrate that. Love is something people should celebrate every single day. It’s what keeps us alive. It’s life itself. So yeah, it seems to me that to have only one day in 365 days dedicated to love is a serious mistake. A trap i don’t want to step into.` Okay, stop now, Leah. She would always talk loud and in detail about the things she believed in. There were only a few people who understood and liked that...
`Yes, you might be right.` He wasn’t much the philosopher, but his spirit had a way of giving off his very old age in the circle of lives he lived before. He struck her as a very evolved spirit. He understood by default the things that she had to learn from different spiritual practices over the past years. He knew them inherently, without having to ever study them. To Leah this was astounding. She got even more curious about Eric.
So they talked that cold night of February. They talked just like old friends do, and they ate pizza and drank Coke. She, of course, with the vegetarian pizza. She never claimed to be a vegetarian, but hadn’t eaten meat in two years. It was good for her, her body liked it, the animals that didn’t have to die for her, liked it. She told Eric that, and he smiled. He probably thinks i’m a lunatic. Well, maybe i am after all. She smiled back.
`Okay, let’s get out of here. I’m really craving a cigarette.` She meant that. Although her disgusting habit was born only a couple months before, it was already making decisions for her.
`Okay, let’s go. You’re paying, right?`
`As promised.` With a grin and winged-eyeliner on, she had him. The look in his eyes told her so.
`Come on, you don’t think i’d let you pay.` He was trying to be chivalrous, so she saved the feminist talk for another night. For Leah it was now clear there were many to come.
They got in the car, had a cigarette, and for those few minutes, there was only silence. Words seemed overrated for the two hearts connecting. So they would just smile and look at each other and wonder how they got there, when only a few weekes back...
*
Katy
`Hear me out, okay?` Eric was trying to catch his breath and make still his heart.
`Ok.`
`I just wanted to tell you that I miss you. I have been missing you ever since you left. I feel like talking to you and i don’t know if i can anymore. I thought that last summer, us going away together, as we have all those years, would do something. It did nothing, though. Now you have grown apart from me again. Weeks pass and we don’t even talk to each other. I don’t know if i should keep waiting for you.` It’s been over a year now and my soul is growing weary from looking through our photo album and wishing things were different. Well, he couldn’t say that, but she most definitely got the idea.
`So what do you want? I miss you too, but what can i do? I cannot change the past.` Regret and nostalgia caught up with her. She felt sorry for him, maybe. Who am I to know that?
`Spend New Year’s with me! Just the two of us.` Eric couldn’t help show hope. She was his first love; that romanticized version of love, for him it had been reality for over seven years. They did everything together, his firsts were all with and about her. How could he let go?
`Ok. We’ll do that and see what comes of it. I’ll see you in a week, then.`
Of course she didn’t show. She let him know two days before New Year’s that she had something else planned with some friends he knew nothing about. How could she have made new friends? All her friends were my friends... Well, not anymore. His friends, they were still there, and they cared for him, so much that on New Year’s they took him almost by force to spend the evening with them. Of course he got drunk. Of course he wasn’t his optimistic cheerful self. His first love had just died in his heart.
*
Nick
The contradiction – a distant future
An e-mail in the Trash folder, just as it was meant to be, an image and three words. Two matches on fire, in the shape of a man and woman, and a question: Do you remember?
I do remember. I remember coward love disguised as forbidden love. I remember lies and shame and guilt. I remember illusions and dead hopes of higher love. Hopes of truth and heads held high. So much I remember and so little you knew of what I remember, it’s funny really. I remember my story, you remember yours. The two never really met. So what remembrance are you talking about? Mine? Or yours?
And why remember anything at all, when it wasn’t worth it enough when it was `now`? Now it’s `then`, so less the worth. None the worth, really. It’s gone, poof, never existed, once it is no longer. What’s real is always now. The rest, mere nothingness disguised as somethingness.
29 and a day. And none the wiser. Still talking with ghosts and dreams and pictures I see when I close my eyes. Go figure… and never come back. I am nothing to you. And that never changed.
Leah thought about it, overthinking as she used to with most things. It wasn’t his fault. There was no fault to be placed. For the first time in four years, she felt a deeper sense of forgiveness for the one who placed in her heart a fire that would never die. It was human conditioning, meant to remind them of the flaws and imperfections that come with being just that. Human. Maybe now, after more than four years, she would finally be free of resentment. And thus, free up a part of her soul which had long been occupied by darkness. Her shadow, acknowledged, turned into acceptance and understanding. Maybe that’s what healing feels like. Maybe it was, after all. The Phoenix in her rose higher and stronger with every healed bit of her soul. 
*
Te maldigo para que no puedas llorar, Que tu corazon se vuelva una piedra, Que tu alma pierda su alegria. The Spanish quitar in the song weighed heavy on Leah’s soul, which, for all she knew, had lived many lives before in warm Spain. For it had shown, from a very young age, a strange fondness for the language and spirit and music related to this culture.
The song he sent, she felt in her whole being. Maybe he had cursed her. Or maybe their love, banished and hurt, cursed them both. Como pude imaginarme que tenia algo que darte? Y yo en mi madurez y tu En tu plena juventud Los anos no perdonan. It was what he had told her all those years before. Why would love come to such a troubled soul? Why would it draw into that darkness the light in Leah’s soul? Why do light and darkness attract like that?
I never did understand those who talk about the past. It’s done with. So what’s the point? You take what you will out of it, accept and then integrate it. And move on.
There is no other way. I cannot see why we should keep talking about what was. I for one had used up every word i needed to say before I closed the door behind you. I gave my best, wasn’t enough. Yes, it was a dark moment in my life, it changed me. It dragged me through dispair like an animal draggs its prey, recently killed, eyes wide open. I escaped, i got up, i struggled to heal my wounds, sew my soul back into place. I felt every sting of the needle piercing through the battered skin of my soul. I still did it. What could i possibly say to you now about back then? And above all, why?
*
Three and a half years before, a different feeling, same person…
One last letter, if there is such a thing
I remember having used this particular word before. Excruciating… But your absence, love, gives it a whole new dimension. I’m not running away from it. I’m trying to sit with the pain, thus hoping it will fade. And it does at times. But then it comes back even stronger. And my body aches. And all I want is to stop it. To stop the pain from being excruciating. To forget this word. To render it meaningless to my heart.
You were afraid you’d destroy me, love… But it’s not you who’s destroying me. It’s this God you love so much. This God who’s deaf and blind. He brought us together. He created this love. Everything we feel was specially designed by Him, as is everything else. But why? I feel I’m dying, love… It’s so bad. You have no idea…
You conjured me not to hope. But if there’s no hope, to me there’s no life. And i’m starting to feel it... the lack of hope, of life… My bones are straining under the weight of your love. A love that’s so Heaven-like, and yet not enough.
You know, at times  it would feel like everything you did, the way you tried to run away from me, only to tell me that you can’t do it… I used to feel it was you trying to find the path towards me. But you would always get lost inside your mind, intoxicated by your own thoughts. And now i know, love, that it was only you trying to escape your feelings, so as to remain as you are. And i get it. And i respect it. I will never judge you. After all, I can only imagine what it’s like to be in your shoes. But, God, it hurts so much… so much that at night i would sometimes walk the streets in circles and hope that something bad would happen to me, because i don’t want this pain anymore. And i’m too much of a coward to do anything about it.
But don’t worry. Nothing bad can happen. The worse has already happened, my love. My soul, poor encaged thing, was set free by your love. And, naturally, it went straight to you. And now i’m left an empty shell. Trust me, there is nothing worse than this.
And nothing better. Because now I am not afraid of anything anymore. I feel I could jump from an airplane or ride a dragon, or do all the things i wanted to do before but i was afraid. I feel invincible. Because there’s nothing there to break anymore. All that’s left is an aching body.
But please, never think it was your fault. Never think so highly of yourself. If God wanted it like this, He must have had a reason. If He created this love, knowing you would never have the courage to live up to it, oh well…
And yes, at some point i’ll find someone who loves me. Someone i could be with… And you’ll feel relieved. And all will be well. On the surface of the empty shells that we’ll be.
This world, love, is full of empty shells walking around… their heads chopped off :) Never finding the courage to truly live. It pains me to be one of them.
 
In another dimension, same city but parallel Universe, Leah was writing another e-mail to the one who, six months before Eric, had turned her world upside down, leaving her like the Hanged man from the tarot deck. Once a week they would meet, in between their love materialized only in passionate angry loving and more often sad hundreds of e-mails. The idea was the same, he was telling her he loved her more than the world, but he was old and knew that their love wouldn’t last. She would try to tell him that love doesn’t know of age and that the multitude of things they had in common was more than most normal couples have, so she would never grow bored, as he thought she would. It was all in vain in the end, and the end of December was when she knew. Her biggest so far, most passionate love, was ending due to unforeseeable fear and weakness in the object of her love. And with it, scattered pieces of her soul would be carried away to places unknown to her. Part of her died that lonely New Year’s Eve.
It had to, so that life could continue. It had to for her, as it did for Eric. As it does for so many Phoenixes in this dimension. But it is all all right in the end. For underneath the duality of the good and the bad, there is a stillness of heart one can only find by diving through those cracks pain inflicts on one’s soul. And that stillness is unconditional love and gratefulness. Once you get there, life changes, reality changes, and all the outside circumstances change for the perceiver creates reality by the way it chooses to see it.
*
`Ok, Leah, shall we go now?`
`Yeah, sure! Would you like to come over? I could introduce you to my cat, Luna. She’s amazing, really!` Leah was being flirtatious, but it seemed to her that Eric was holding back for some reason.
`Why not?` Eric was trying to move the car. `Umm, Leah, i think the car is stuck in the snow.` Leah was amused.
`Okay, i’ll go push! I’m good at that!` Plus, we’ll have something funny to tell our grandchildren, about our first date. Leah was smiling and freezing in her long grey winter dress. She liked him a lot.
So much so that she was really excited to show him her little microverse of an apartment. It was quiet and peaceful, so he stayed more than planned. He told her about his past and she – about hers. IT felt like they knew each other for ages, and maybe they did... It was getting late, so...
`Okay, i’ll go now, Leah. Thank you for the tea! You have a really nice place here!`
`Well, maybe you’ll come over again.` She smiled. And waited for a kiss.
Instead, Eric turned and left, a bit in a hurry. Leah was confused. She sat there for 5 minutes wondering what just happened. The night, as it unfolded, should have ended with a kiss. Well, those movies don’t really show you alternatives, do they, Leah? She smiled and decided to let it go.
The phone rang. It was Eric.
`Yep!` She tried to keep it cheerfully-casual.
`Hey, Leah! I’m sorry! I’ve been a dick!`
`What? Why should you say that?` She knew something was going on with him...
`Well, there is a girl staying at my place. I wanted to kiss you, but thought it wouldn’t be fair to either of us. I am sorry.` He was talking fast, trying to spit all the words out at once. There, you said it. Now what?
`Oh, I see. Are you with her?`
`Well, not anymore. But she has some exam this week and asked that i let her stay there and move afterwards. She’s nothing to me now.` It’s you i’m falling for.
`Ok, then. I believe you. We’ll see each other again, i hope.`
`We will. Goodnight, Leah!`
`Goodnight, Eric!`
*
It’s a simple thing, falling in love, one would think. For Leah, falling in love this time was much more complex in its simplicity than she could have imagined. It was stardust and ocean drops all combined and combusting in this immense split of a second that caught her completely off guard, as she never expected this kind of love to come to her in the form of someone so normal. Of course, she didn’t rationally know it at first, that he was anything but the Thesaurus definition of normal. Her heart knew it, though. And led by their hearts, there was nowhere they couldn’t go, as long as they went together, hand in hand, souls in one. For the first time in forever, it felt right. More so than illusions ever did before.  
*
From Tuesday until Satuday, the feeling in Leah’s heart grew stronger, she couldn’t wait to see Eric in the evening. But her parents decided to give her a surprise visit and a hard time with that.
`So, Leah, how are you, my girl? You’re not still seeing that old man, are you? I really hope you are smarter than that now.`
`No, mom! I told you, that mistake is over.` I just wish you didn’t make me feel even more disgusted about myself than i already am, mom. She couldn’t admit to that. She knew she had overstayed her welcome with loving that man. It was long overdue, the end of them. But she scratched and clawed and crawled even after she realized there was nothing left for them in this reality. And her mom felt all these things, as she always did. She was worried, and expressed her worry in the mean way that made Leah’s inner strength grow ever since she was a little girl.
`In fact, mom, i have a date tonight!` Leah’s eyes sparkled.
Her mom knew it was different this time. Still, she decided to make Leah a bit stronger. `Yeah right, you are just doing this as a cover, i know it. You want me to stop questioning you and stop telling you how stupid you were to get involved with that man. Don’t lie to me, Leah! You know i can always tell when you’re lying!`
`But, mom, i really am not lying!` Strangely enough, but saying that her new love was a lie, it felt like her own mom was making Leah doubt it, question it, believe less in it even.
`Okay, i’ll just go outside and wait for Eric there! I cannot stand staying here anymore. Bye!`
So she took her purse, her coat and her aching confused heart and in a minute she was outside the apartment building. It was a bit too warm for February, but it felt nice. What if i look desperate when Eric comes and sees me waiting outside? I should go back up. But i cannot do that, it’ll ruin my make-up. I’ll just go inside the building then. Lucky for Leah, she didn’t have to wait too long. Eric called and said he’d arrive in a few minutes. When she went outside, he was there, leaning on the front door of a strange car. It seemed small, but when she went inside, it seemed big. She knew about cars but hadn’t seen this type before. Well, she had other things on her mind.
`How are you, beautiful?` Eric was charming. Too bad she was too upset to see it.
`I am so angry with my parents. We had a fight just now and i’m really not feeling ok.`
`Do you want to postpone?`He hoped not.
`No, of course not! I don’t want to go back there!`
`Ok, Leah. Where do you want to go, kiddo?`
`Is your place an option? I really don’t wanna see other people or crowded places.` She meant that. It would always be like that, when she was most upset, all she wanted to do was hide from the world. And that healed her.
`Yes, of course. I just want you to know that there are still some clothes left behind by that girl. She moved out, but she’ll come for the rest of her stuff tomorrow.`
`Ok, no problem.` It was a bit of a problem, but nothing like she had experienced before. It just felt right to be with him. Everything else meant nothing to her now.
*
The house was in a gipsy neighbourhood, but very close to the city centre. Leah didn’t really like the feeling of the area, but was too smitten with Eric to realize it. The roaring engine stopped, they got out of the car, and it was only then that Leah realized the car was red. Why would a man have a red car? It’s such a girly colour. Leah kept her thoughts to herself. She could barely hear them anyway through the pink coloured glasses of infatuation, so maybe that meant they weren’t important. She would continue to do this for way too long over the years...
The entrance was dark, they climbed some very narrow stairs and got to a white door. Eric unlocked and turned on the lights. So many orchids. Why do i have the feeling these are not his? Again, she said nothing. But at the same time she felt like a scrunchy being squeezed dry. The energy there was so bad, it was almost too hard to breathe. Maybe it’s from this girl he was using as a band-aid. Nasty, but understandable. Still, how badly could they have argued for the place to be smothered in ghost pain? It was really bad, and maybe Eric really needed her. So she stayed, ignoring everything else.
He made her a tea, a present from his first long-time girlfriend. Still, Leah couldn’t see anything else but him. He hugged her and in that moment she felt how all of the misplaced pieces of herself gathered back together and made her whole. It was a physical experience, she literally felt herself whole, so this sign was to her proof that Eric was to be hers.
Later that night, her mom’s worried message was met with a sentence: `Mom, I found the man i’m gonna marry.` And then the phone went silent.
Eric and Leah didn’t really sleep that night, or the nights that followed. They were in love, it appeared, and with each other! What a miracle in this world where she could never really feel mutual love before, not the impossible type, that is... At 5 a.m. they decided that, since sleep was not an option, they should go to the seaside. Leah took a pair of jeans and a sweater from Eric’s closet, put them on and went to show him. `Look, We’re the same size!` They laughed and then they went.
It was like floating on something lighter than air. All the worldly things were far from them. They were above reality while driving through it. Those feelings she would never regret, she knew that. It really was the most amazing love she could have felt, and knew that God wouldn’t have gifted it to them if He didn’t have plans for them. With faith on her side, and a foggy late-february morning, the sea appeared undecided though. Why was there no sun? Why all the fog? Maybe we will get married, but it feels like there will be a long and foggy road there.
*
A few days later they got to her place together. The door was unlocked.
`Leah, did you forget to lock the door?`
`Well, no... I am forgetful, but this i always remember to do.` Leah was scared. What if her apartment was robbed? There weren’t many things to steal there... maybe her collection of teas. She chuckled, a bit scared still.
Coming in, they could hear some music. I surely didn’t leave music on. And then, the mess! There were big white sheets of paper with words that were hard to look at. Words accusing her of cheating, and then telling her he loved her, and then judging and aggresively scolding her for giving up on him. They never belonged to each other in reality, only in the depths of their souls. So she couldn’t understant now why he would scold her for something he had been doing all along – being with someone else.
The music playing was from a cd he had made especially for the occasion, while the pile of stuff she had given him together with a huge chunk of her heart, were laying on the floor, forgotten in space and time. She remembered she had given him a key to feed her cat, Luna, but she never imagined he had made a copy.
Eric was baffled. He was too quiet, trying to make sense of everything without judging Leah. It was difficult for him, as he had to decide whether to close off again or not. He had indeed been to Hell and back before, so this shouldn’t have hurt like it did. Then again, if something foolish hurt him, then he must have been really in love. So he stayed. Then they got to talk. They told each other everything, like old friends do after they go years without talking. They had found each other, it appeared. It felt good, but how could she have known if good was real?
*
This same lack of trust and faith followed them for years to come. At every turn, every misplaced word or gesture, every questionable glance, every silence got to be analyzed and interpreted, as do people who have been through misery and pain, more than young hearts should have to bear. Still, they stuck together. They belonged, no matter how hard they would regularly question it, they were made to be together, as corny as it sounds. Corny does exist, once we get past the cynicism inflicted on us by people meant to be lessons, people whom, in our longing for love, we mistake for that which is supposed to last.
That’s the thing with these times, we get to learn more lessons than did people before, we get to grow more and thus, pay a bigger price. The heartbreaking thing is, the price is payed by the one who stays, as all the hurt harnessed inside gets to heal, it sometimes shoots mean sparks that go straight to the heart of the other.
Like this instance.
Two weeks had passed since love, that blessed nomad, came to be their guest. They spent every second of free time together and couldn’t imagine it differently. Sometimes at her apartment, other times at his place. But there were still so many things to be discovered. Looking back, Leah understood that, had she known them all from the beginning, she would’ve lacked the courage to be with Eric.
But two weeks in, things were still heavenly, no worrying, only love. That evening, they were at his place. Leah had just taken a bath, washing her hair in another bathroom for the first time in a long while.
`Eric, do you have a blow drier?` Eric was searching a movie to see together.
`Yeah, sure, look in one of the nightstands.`
`What hair do you blow-dry with it?` Leah was amused, making fun of Eric. They would make fun of each other out of fondness of heart, and it always felt nice. Except for now.
Looking for the blow-drier, Leah’s hand felt something behind it. It was a photo album it appeared. She took it out almost without thinking and opened it. Photos of them together, laughing, playing, kissing, with love messages written on every picture. The album wasn’t even dusty, which means it had been opened recently. Suddenly, a flash of pain in her chest and a sting in her wet head send cold shivers down her spine. That was the moment she understood how empty his heart was, by seeing what he had lost.
 
Blank. Regroup and start over. No, you don’t get to give up. Not on him. Not now. Not ever.
It hurts, i know. It hurts like Hell and you don’t even get why. Maybe it’s her smile, her way of making him happy, her love for him. Which you like to consider a lie. Because she cheated. She couldn’t have loved and cheated. You know that. You felt that. You were in her shoes. So how do you do it? How do you forgive and forget? Yourself, her, them… It’s too much. For someone like you, who thinks it over and over again, it really is too much. And you love him. You love him cause he brings up in you those wounds. Those things you might never heal, burried so deep beneath your skin that you can’t even see them clearly. At times an ordeal, at times bliss. How do you live with such extremes in your mind, your soul, your body? How do you heal, child? Why can’t you be more like them, like those people in the shallow waters. Those people who can be so detached, so… simple. Why did God choose to make you like this? Why… You know the answer. You know it. And it’s time you started doing what He sent you here to do. It’s your only path to sanity. Your only way to be close to Him, to be helped by Him, by helping yourself. He’s helping, you know He is. He always has. He never let you down. So don’t let Him down. And please, don’t ever let Eric down. He needs you. And he loves you. And he deserves your best. The best. Be the best. Be good. And loving, and kind, and generous. It’s your nature. It’s who you are. Who you were with all those people who were not for you. He is for you. He is worth it. Live up to your dream. He was always your dream. A man, a manifestation of your deepest desires, an angel, a precious soul. Love him with all you got. And love yourself. Stop comparing to them. They no longer exist. The present is yours with him. Make it count. Make every second count. Be tough. Be strong for him. He NEEDS you. And you need yourself. Take your power back. Feel it in your hands, in your feet, in your gut, in your eyes. That power is there for a reason. Don’t lay it to waste. That power is what brought you here, what kept you going, what put you through every circle of Hell you passed on your way to him. This is the hardest one. I know. But this is also the very reason for all those trials. This is your final test. Dry your eyes, take that smile back and keep going, For him, for yourself, for life and love, for hope and everything people have forgot, everything they cannot see. Keep going. Straighten your back, keep your head up and love him unconditionally. It’s the only way to really love someone.
 
She began to hyperventilate, tears rolling in huge chunks down her cheeks. Eric heard her and came rushing in the bedroom.
`God, Leah, what happened?` He saw the album open on the bed. `Oh, this...`
`What is this, Eric? Why do you keep it near the bed? Do you still cry at nights looking at it? What am i doing here then?` Leah was in a sort of shock, realising she was loving someone unavailable. Again.
`No, i just forgot it there. It means nothing. I’m with you now.` He managed to get close to Leah and hugged her really tight. She stopped hyperventilating and was sobbing quietly.
`I’ve been here before, Eric. I’m afraid.`
`There’s nothing you should be afraid of. I’m here. It’s all okay.`
He managed to quiet her down, they watched the movie, but later that night sleep was nowhere to be found for Leah. Eric felt it.
`What’s wrong?`
`I cannot sleep. With that thing in the nightstand i feel like i’m sleeping with ghosts.`
Visibly irritated, Eric turned on the light, took the thing and with heavy footsteps, went to the closet and threw it there.
`There! You happy now? Crazy woman.`
She smiled, having heard that word before so many times. She was happy. This meant there was hope for the both of them.
`Thank you. I love you.`
`You too. Now sleep.` And with a kiss, the world was new again.
 
Or this one.
This song on repeat for hours, about the wolves coming to get the sheep and the words calling for the shepherd to save them... It sounds so much like people praying to their God to help them in difficult times. It must be a reason why i keep wanting to hear it, a message maybe. Leah was `home` alone. It wasn’t her home. It was theirs. Eric’s and his former lesson. Leah moved in with Eric as they never really slept one night apart after their trip to the foggy sea. She knew it would feel horrendous to feel like filling in for someone else, but the infatuation was too strong to let that keep her away. She also knew that it wouldn’t last for long, that living situation. Almost 4 months in and she started to pressure Eric into moving out, looking for a place of their own. Of course he would always find a better argument for staying: it was cheaper, it was close to work etc. IT was familiar to him. Seeing that she couldn’t budge him, Leah started to clean up. Satchets of spices from the year she left, the glasses and plates she bought, the dirt from the kitchen cabinets that didn’t seem to have been used for a long time. She threw much of it away, without telling him, cleaned it all, weeping sometimes, knowing that it would take the world to heal his broken heart.
And then there were these 3D puzzles they had made together, of buildings from all around the world. They were everywhere, at least 30 of them, spread in the house. So, being alone that day, Leah decided it was too much. She took them all, and started ripping them apart with an anger known only by those trying to fill up a heart left barren by someone else. She did that, while saying a prayer, an incantation almost `May all that was physically gone begone from the mind and soul as well`, repeating it frantically until it was all done. Eric cared for those things, she knew that, but she also knew that, if he cared more about remnants of his past than her, she would have to go.
Next morning came slower than anticipated, and with it, Eric got home.
`Hey, baby! I missed you!`
Eric was tired after his 24h shift, but still smiled when he saw Leah. `Missed you too!`
Leah was nervous, of course, but also sick with anticipation. She didn’t want to tell him what she had done, partly because she wanted to see how long it will take for him to see it. Less than 5 minutes, it appeared.
`Leah`, he called from the other room in a slightly angered, slightly tired voice, `where are the things, the puzzles?`
`I threw them away!` God, it felt good to say that. `I saw no need for them anymore. They were just gathering dust and i cleaned the place yesterday.`
`You did what?` His anger was incresing in volume. `How could you do that? They didn’t belong to you!`
`Yeah, they belonged to you. I know. That’s part of the reason i did it. I’m sick of living with ghosts. And you know that. You knew it all along and you still made me do it. You say you love me, but how can you love and hurt knowingly? I get it, you love with what’s left of your heart, but i deserve more. So i showed myself some respect by doing what i did.`
Eric was looking for something. `Where are they? Come on, i know they are here somewhere.`
Leah had tears in her eyes seeing the desperation in his.
`I am sorry, love. I really did throw them away. Not before i tore them to pieces. There is nothing there to save.`
`Do you even think?`
Eric looked at her with a sort of hatred, as if Leah was the one who cheated on him all those years ago, and the one who left him, laying his heart to waste.
`I’m not the one who hurt you. You have to remember this. I’m just trying to put the pieces back because i fell in love with you. But if you want me to go, i will. Just say the word.` It was funny, how she knew in her soul that only an honest yes was enough for her to give up. After everything she had been through before, this seemed easy to do...
But he couldn’t say it. He didn’t want that. He just wanted a bit of both worlds, his memories and Leah. But he understood now that there was no way that could happen. Not with Leah.
`Okay, we’ll be okay. Just give me a few minutes alone, please. In fact, i’ll go to sleep.`
And with this, he was gone in the other room, leaving Leah alone again among her orchids and nicely arranged potpourri. It was a small victory for Leah, though. So her heart was quiet. In pain still, but somehow at peace with it.
*
With time and refusing to move out, Eric’s attitude grew in anger. His words became sharp, cutting deep. The reasons were always related to the lost pieces of his heart, while never admitting to it, denying any connection to it, and always blaming Leah for her overthinking and imagining things. And reading too much into them.
`Okay, Leah, i called the vet’s and they said we can go now with Lucky for his vaccine. Could you help me find his health book?`
`Yeah, sure.`
Lucky was Leah’s soulmate pet. From the first day they met, that little fluff loved her and was drawn like a magnet wherever she was. It didn’t matter that it was a gift to Eric’s former from the daughter of his parents’ friends, a blonde girl, also named Leah (henceforth called Lee), whom they all cared for and treated like a sort of precious thing. That jealousy was bound to appear in Leah’s soul a bit later. For now, she was looking for the dog’s healthbook. And, like everything she ever searched, Leah found it. Opened it. And there it was, the full name of its former owner. She... While Eric was in the other room, Leah took white paste, erased the name and put in Eric’s name.
`Found iiit!`
`Awesome! Let’s see when was Lucky’s last vaccine!`
Eric took it, opened it, and his face turned green.
`What’s this? Why did you change the name?`
`Well, she’s not its owner anymore. You are.`
`But what does it matter?` Eric started shouting. `What is it to you what’s written in this notebook? Why do you always have to pick on the little things, Leah?`
`Because the little things make up the big things. And i won’t have little things stand in the way of us.`
`Again with the crazy talk. You know what? Whatever. I’ll go alone.`
Leah was left in tears again, gasping for air, wondering if she was supposed to go. But go where? They had decided to rent her apartment, as she was never there and her cat Luna was given for adoption. (Long story short, Eric didn’t like cats and neither did Lucky, so Leah decided her love for Eric was more important than a cat. Three years later she would regret that choice.) There was nowhere for her to go now so she just stood there. We will have to move this place.
Something’s missing in me, i felt it deep within me, as lovers left me to bleed alone. ...
How do you do it? How do you stay with someone who doesn’t love you, who never really did? Why do you do it and how can you change it when everybody expects you not to. Love wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to be for me. Is it like that? Was it always a question of destiny? Too much love inside so that there was no need for the Universe to make way for incoming love. It never could, maybe.
And yet I did always feel fully alive... With all the pain and the darkness, my heart beat faster and with more meaning, as if this was really why I was born. Hammer fall on all the pieces... cause this is what it felt like. She’s glad for one day of comfort only because she had suffered. 
Fully alive, more than most, ready to smile and love life. But oh, so alone…[1]
*
So, you see, their love, as with all loves that last, was never perfect. It was never flawless. And maybe this was what made it special, that despite the life of it, it stayed strong and ever-bearing.
And then, as with all stories, the weeks became months. Time progressed and their love moved between fixed points of peacefulness and apathy and enraged anger at what had been, mirrored in their present. And then the months became years, only one and a half actually. And then this happened.
The teary choice
Mid-august. They were driving through the mountains, long beautiful forests and rocky mountains were hovering along the road. Leah was smoking quietly and thinking at not thinking for a while. It was a sort of meditation, to watch the green and the grey and the blue dance together on the car’s music, to its taste and following the rotations of its wheels. It felt nice. And then Eric’s phone ranged.
`Yes. Hello, boss! I see. … Ok, I guess. Talk later, I’m driving now.`
`What? What happened?` Leah was, as usual, curious. She liked it like that, never really intended to change that about her.
`My boss. Remember, I had told you in January that there was a possibility of me going away to South America for a few weeks? Apparently, it came up now and I’m being sent there.`
`Can’t you say no?` Leah panicked. It was more than the fact that she was going to miss him. It was that they were living in a neighborhood which she feared to walk into alone. They would always take the car together and of course Eric never let her drive. He had tried in the beginning to take her driving, since she had just gotten her driver’s licence. But he decided, after only a couple of failed parking maneuvers, that she wouldn’t drive with him in the car. This scared Leah, so she never really got around to driving again. This being said, the dependency was almost unbearable, but she accepted it. Now, however, it would have been too much. `How am I supposed to handle things for three weeks by myself?`
`What? So I’m supposed to give this up because you don’t know shit about driving? It’s maybe a once in a lifetime chance, to get there. You want me to give that up?`
`Well… I don’t know. But I do believe you should think about me too.` Leah was scared, there were two opposing beliefs running through her head just then. She hated confusing thoughts; couldn’t control them.
A heated argument and some cigarettes later, Eric picked up the phone to try and cancel his leaving, despite Leah’s asking him to wait and think about it a little longer.
`It’s done. It’s canceled. Now can we have a peaceful time and enjoy the mountains?`
Leah said nothing.
An hour later, on top of the highest mountains, Eric proposed.
Leah was wearing Eric’s warm pants on top of her long pants, which were on top of her shorts. It was cold, almost too cold for mid-August. But then again, they were in the mountains. Eric took out the picnic set, and they went to place it some 100 meters from the car. Once they were set, Eric remembered he had to take something from the car. Once he reached the car, he yelled: `Leah, could you see where I’ve put the keys to the car? In the backpack? Maybe in the side pocket?`
Leah took the back pack, reached in the pocket looking for the keys, but there was nothing else there but a little box. `They’re not here!` she shouted and then gasped. She took out the box and opened it. A frantic burst of tears surprised her. She forgot where she was, she just stood there, crying. Like in a dream, Eric asked her `Do you want to be my wife?` All she could do was nod. He placed the ring on her finger and hugged her quiet.
For the next few months it seemed like time has stood still. In November she started wondering why they weren’t making wedding plans. She started asking Eric and he started to give in. It seemed like he was waiting for something. Something that never came. So they got married next September.
*
 And don’t you know, kid, that making promises is nothing more really than wishing upon stars? And sometimes some wishes don’t come true, and some promises get broken. Despite knowing that, oh, how I wish for you to be my lucky star, and I want for our wish to come true and our promise of love to be fulfilled. Because sometimes promises are nothing less than premonitions about the future. Only sometimes, though...
*
Leah, although different in many aspects from people she had known, was indeed quite similar when it came to marriage. She had dreamed of it since she was little, since her grandmother, now long gone, had given her a doll dressed like a bride holding an umbrella, spinning in circles as if she was so happy in her wedding dress that the toy manufacturers had to give her this spinning feature so that she could express her joy and happiness. `What I wouldn’t give to live to see you at your wedding.` her grandmother would say to her. And Leah would remember and pray that her grandmother, really her mother at heart, be there at her wedding.
It wasn’t meant to be though. Her grandmother had died a couple of months before Leah met Eric. Leah couldn’t cry when she heard the painful news. She didn’t cry at the funeral either. She saw a sort of smile on her grandmother’s cold face and knew that she was at peace. She knew that a struggling life she had had was over with a smile and this gave Leah hope for the afterlife. Six kids, abused and bruised by her former husband, her grandmom got a divorce in a time when the term `divorce` was barely heard of. She then had to move to the city, get a job and try to help her children, some of them grown up by then. Leah’s mother, being the youngest, had to live in an orphanage for two years before things settled and she could be provided for.
Scars passed down on the women line of her ancestors got to Leah. She felt them as if she had lived them and then tried to heal them. It wasn’t clear whether she succeeded or not. But she sure cried when she realized her grandmom wouldn’t be at her wedding. At least not in person, for in spirit she was by Leah’s side every time she would think of her.
After coming from her honeymoon Leah went to her grandma’s grave. It was then that she cried. And they talked. And she felt hugged by a presence so palpable that she could almost touch it.
People you love never die. They live in and around you, they change with you and the seasons. They become both a distinct and an intrinsic part of your core, so that at some point missing them becomes pointless and redundant. They are there no matter what you do. They have touched your soul and by doing that, added themselves to you. Separation becomes once again an illusion of the limited mind. There is a sort of kind warmth to acknowledging that.
*
Not even a full year of marriage had gone by, and they were going to bed upset. Things Leah had sworn never to do with her marriage, she was doing, not knowing how to change them, how not to become the only version of wife she ever knew. Eric started to care less and less, and now, knowing that, Leah was wondering what she could have done differently. After analyzing most of her choices and miscalculations, she had come to the conclusion that, no matter their decisions, being the characters that they were, it would have been impossible for them to end up somewhere other than here. The right question was what to do from there, or better yet, what exactly was this here?...
*
Checkpoint
I went. Too far I went and too deep a steep I undertook. It took me way to far from myself and thus way too far from truth. I sing songs with words that do not belong to me, nor I to them. It pains my very insides to see my soul, my mind and even my flesh become this… this. This thing I can barely stand to look at in the mirror. Bullied, put down, humiliated and treated in ways way other than deserved or asked for. Why do I stay? What do I need? What do I see that makes me blind? How do I take the veil off, and then what do I do with it? With myself. With them and everything else around me. With… him. Eric. No. There is no him. I wish there wasn’t. I wish I could say that. I wish I stopped wishing for everything, for anything. Be still… Just be still. That is all I wish for. Be still in mind and peaceful in spirit, be me and just that. Keep myself, not let go of myself the way I have been doing for a while now. Be appreciated. Be loved. Like, for real. I wish I listened when I had ears to listen and walked when I had feet to walk. Blue touches blue touches gray touches brown… I look down at my feet, they’ve been with me for years. I am drunk. With pain and sadness. With all things cruel and monstrous. I am alone in pain. I am alone. There is no love around anymore, only inside. How can that be? Didn’t they say that love comes from within and then pours without? What is this, then? Where do I find the answers… I need. I need to be stronger.
I want to go back. Cause sometimes going back is nothing more, really, than going forward.
And I’m clinging again. To a hope of something that doesn’t exist. To a non-reality. To nothingness. I don’t and will never have the answers. I just have myself. And within, everything I need to know.
*
Fast forward, a couple of lives later, or maybe just days… Leah was at work. Some new temporary colleagues she had never met were in her e-mails. `Andrew, I surely didn’t see this one.` She dismissed the thought before it even appeared. It didn’t matter.
A few more days had passed – or was it weeks? And then - a knock on the door. `Come in!` She said, still reading something important on her desktop. A deep voice woke her up and naturally her eyes, curious to see what the ears had heard, went straight to his eyes. And were stuck. `Damn!` Leah’s mind went blank. There was nothing there, nada, meditation-blank. It was surreal. `Did this ever happen to me before? Like, from the very first second I saw, not even saw – but hear – a voice? Life is bitchy, after all…` A smile returned Leah her voice. He was fixing her still. Without taking his eyes off of hers, the broad-shouldered, otherwise slim figure standing in front of her, started talking. He was Andrew, and he wanted to ask her opinion on something unimportant. Everything else seemed unimportant just then. But Leah had to think – and then talk. That was important. Or not. Who could have known just then?  The thoughts were beginning to get scrambled again. `Just start talking and you’ll figure it out.`
She tried to appear smart about it, and then, shifting the conversation, Leah tried to quench her thirst of knowing more about this new kind of soulmate she had hoped existed but never really believed it to be real. So they talked, and discovered that he was 9 days younger than Leah, had a cat and a dog – just like her – and had studied abroad. His voice was so soothing, while strong and deep. His eyes, a strange mix of haze, grey and blue, his hair – screaming for deep caresses, he was made of passion and would most certainly drive one too many girls crazy for love. But Leah was not in love. It was something else.
It was magnetic, the way he would catch her eyes and not let go. It felt like the souls were embracing through that dance of glances; it should’ve felt weird, but instead, it felt natural. `Oh, dearest Leah, what do you know about natural? Remember how many times it felt natural? And how many many times that natural was not for you? You got what’s for you. Right?`
Why did God invented question marks? Why did He have to give that to us? Why not let us die not knowing, than live questioning our boundaries?
Is this like the four years I’ve cried for someone not meant for me, who would never love me back. But make it look like he really liked me, while knowing I was in a committed relationship and seeing the effect he had on me? Or is it like the month I’ve fallen for someone I could not be with because of work reasons, despite of him falling for me too? Well, let’s analyse, Leah. We’re good at it. As useless as it might be, given the futility of comparing experiences. At least you’ll look busy and Eric won’t be scolding you for some reason or another.
*
Illusion
How do you deal with love when it’s not welcome into reality? How do you deal with falling in love after you’ve made a vow never to fall in love again? What’s moral, immoral or amoral about love? Does love fall victim to the principles of morality? If so, why? And how could it ever? How can you keep a force so big confined into borders so strict? How do you set the boundaries and how do you make them strong? Is this what’s needed?
It hurts. But what does? What is there inside of me that hurts and needed this materialization in order to come to the surface and be healed? Maybe… my dream of a perfect tailor-made-for-me human? An idea I came to think was an illusion, only to find it here again? SO maybe, on some level, I never did let go of it completely, I never really dismissed it as an illusion, but kept a piece of it to myself. And now it revisits me to show me where I still have work to do. We’ll see… But still, what do you do when you feel a connection that’s not meant to be there?
*
And what do you do when you don’t even know if it is mutual? Does it have to be mutual in order to be a connection? Love is still love even if it is one-sided. It stems from the same abyss of the soul and reaches the same heights and lows of bliss and agony whether the feelings are shared or not – when it is not meant to be there, that is. When another contract has been signed and reality doesn’t allow for anything else anymore.
Love doesn’t have to be mutual. Leah, for example, loved more than a few people, and the one she loved the most, was forever out of her reach. So, there you have it. There are no rules in love. If only it was like that with life, too.
Cause you see, now, as Leah and Eric were celebrating their one year anniversary from the day of their wedding, and as they were driving back from the sea she missed for what seemed so long, car shooting on the highway, Leah was anywhere but with Eric. She was, most of her at least, in a dream she had a few nights before, a dream that seemed so real and felt so intense that it woke her up, spikes of pleasure shooting through her whole body and beyond. And all from dreaming of a kiss. Only one kiss. The tragic part of her story was repeating itself again. Secret, impossible, unrequited love was here to stay. But why? What was the lesson it was trying to convey to Leah? Why couldn’t it be more explicit? Why did it have to leave her in the bittersweet agony of feeling that which she shouldn’t have… Maybe the answer was to come soon. So she hoped. Until then, all she could do was revel in the feeling. That she knew how to do.   
*
In case I won’t see you again… Thank you! For being a breath of fresh air in a stifled world. You walk so quietly through the world while leaving such a deep mark on it. Destined for greatness, but you knew that already. It’s been an honor, honestly!
An enormous sadness was enveloping her whole being while Leah was pouring the words from her overflowing heart. She felt like she was missing him already. Such a misplaced feeling, her office would forever now remind her of a connection she wanted more of but couldn’t even let the hope in. It was not allowed. What kind of effed up world was this, that love was not welcome? It was surreal, the confusion and intensity of feeling Leah was going through. The institution of marriage is the supreme form of prison, and for the first time in almost 29 years, she believed that.
A knock on the door, and his eyes were on her. She felt chills up her spine every time he would look straight into her eyes. She wanted and needed to understand his existence in her life so badly… What sort of karmic play was this and what was the lesson she had to draw from it? Could it be that they could learn it without going through the pain? Does it even work like that?
`Hey!` Andrew seemed nervous. `I’m done with that thing, now I’m taking a break.` He was looking at a colleague, but talking to Leah. Then he sat down and looked at her: `Could you show me that thing? About the numbers?`
For the last week of his being there, Leah and Andrew grew closer. They started talking about all the things they couldn’t talk with normal people. It felt like home. Now, it was about synchronicities. Like when they both saw 11:11, or when she told him `You had to come and turn my life upside down`, after he showed her some button on her computer. Or when they were talking about `Dr Strange` and she told him `Time will tell how much I love you. I liked that quote.` It came natural. Inappropriate in the real world. But natural to them. Indeed, time would tell…
So it was only normal for Leah to pass the note to Andrew. Quietly. He took it and after he got in his office, an IM appeared on her screen: `Thank you! I feel the same way. >:D< (this is a hug from the old Yahoo Messenger)` and she replied: `I know. Hug back!` And that was it.
At the end of the work day, she went to his office to wish him all the best. It felt like running away, and maybe it would’ve been better. But her legs brought her to him.
`Hey! I just wanted to wish you goodluck and all the best!`
`Thank you! We’ll see each other again, I hope, in other circumstances maybe.` It felt like Andrew was trying to make her feel better, as if knowing the pain she felt coursing through her chest. But what did he mean? Will she ever know? Or will he forever be that one for whom her heart would turn into stone? Never to fall in love again, as promised in church.
Everything fades away, my love, I’m sorry, for your pain, don’t worry…
*
You had the blue note sapphire eyes to back up all those gazes, to pierce my guard and to take my soul up to faraway places. Told me I’ll never be alone, cause you’re right there. We took a gamble with this love…
I kept the love you gave me alive and now I carry it with me. I know it’s just a teardrop of mother earth, but in it I can hear a dolphin sing, telling me I’ll never be alone. I know you’re right there. …Do I even dare to speak up your name for fear it sounds like… like a lover.[2]
*
The feathers of a humming bird in flight, breaking up into a million specs of light, the shadow of an angel in the night…
There were times when she feared for humanity, for what it would bring upon itself lest it learned and integrated its essence. And then she would remember fear is not real. It is but a construct of the mind, a leftover from savage times, which didn’t, couldn’t be kept on in the collective unconscious, as it no longer served any purpose. It had to be transformed by the sheer power of alchemical realization of spirit, and this could only be made possible by the acknowledgement and seeing of fear for what it really was. At first glance, this appeared a maze, an entanglement of processes like a complicated algorithm at the end of which you could finally see. Maybe it was, after all, and maybe it didn’t have to be. It was for us to know and find out.
But for now, there was fear. She couldn’t deny it, or push it aside – she knew it meant to teach her something. SO she sat with it, asking questions and seeking to grasp answers from the sensations in her body. From the shivers she got when an answer appeared in the form of a thought already formed in her heart, as if carried lightly on a feather and placed directly in her heart. Or from her voice she felt rising every time there was something there, in her words. And she wanted to share it with the world, and maybe did, for there were many times when thoughts she had thought would appear as messages from someone else, or even as fragments in books. The collective unconscious made its presence felt and known to her in this way. It was all so magical and she wept for humankind, for the potential getting lost in violence and hatred, in striving to survive and not realizing that the body surviving didn’t bring with it the survival of the spirit. And that survival was the vital one for the entire humanity to fulfill its purpose, to draw closer and closer to Spirit.
That was Leah at times when peace of mind was not needed, but instead action was called for. Eric found that dangerous about her. Books are dangerous, he would think out loud. They make you fight your own ideas and become mad with trying to choose a side.
No, my dearest, she would say in the softest of voices so as not to scare him even more. Books are life, they give humans the experience of the ages, so that us, mortals, can live thousands of lives in one physical life. In one book, a person will live the lives and experiences of all the characters, they will feel every emotion and entertain every thought revealed by means of all mighty words. And they will grow in compassion and empathy, in the power of their thoughts and actions, in the very core that binds us all together. For when you can feel the feelings of a character in a book, it becomes natural to feel and understand the souls-mirros you walk among every day.
Leah would always hope her words could someday strike a chord in Eric, so she kept talking to him and telling him about the world through her eyes. She knew his spirit would hear hers, and from then on it would be easier for Eric to hear her too. If he was meant to, life would find a way.
*
It wasn’t until she began to show small fractions of kindness towards herself, that she understood how unkind she had been to herself for almost her entire life. It was, as are all conditionings, a learned behavior. Psychologists were right, that amazing writer who brought Women who run with the wolves to humanity was right. Some conditionings are inherited – subconscious to subconscious on the maternal line – and the work it takes to unearth and shed light on them is no easy chore. There were, she was sure, many of them, but the fact the she herself was able to uncover, integrate and heal just one, brought her immense joy and relief. It meant that it was possible to heal, to leave behind parts of us we no longer need, bits and pieces that won’t find their place in the new world. It meant that we as a species contained in our egregor an immense power to become that which we were always meant to be. It was relieving, this feeling, this sensation inside, that there was hope for the light in us to envelop the darkness and turn it into beauty of heart.
*
The equalizing factor
A thought, a concept arrived in the steps of Leah’s soul to remind her in detail how she perceived the World in its entirety. Endless conversations, arguments, fire, passion and sparks in her eyes whenever she talked about how the life of Earth, spread in billions and billions of forms and shapes, could not, would not ever sum up to something other than equality. The leaf and the caterpillar, as moved by causality as they might be, they are of the same beauty. Love makes both the lion and the zebra come along as equals, as the love of the zebra for the lion is so big, that it gives its own life for the lion to survive. It’s love, not anything else, that decides the fates and turns them so that in the end it becomes clear how everything is a drop that both makes and is made of the same ocean.
So, after Andrew was gone, causality was suspended in a void. Leah’s life became linear. Her soul lost its sparkle and fell asleep for a while, just a while, until I’m better. Leah could hear her soul and decided to give time and love for it to come alive again, someday. So, for a week almost, Leah slept too.
For a few months now, a sort of virus was spreading through the world. It was like a cold, only that some people would have no symptoms, while others would die. A strange respiratory disease which changed the world, bit by bit, until it became unrecognizable. Due to that virus, Leah was spending much more time alone at home, being forced to sit with her shadows, to nurture them and be consumed by them. To sleep, when forgetting was required. And awake when sleep started to resemble death.
Like a Phoenix, after a month of silently, secretly grieving, Leah was being born again. She learned to accept life for what it was, her outside circumstances for what they were, and her feelings for nothing more than emotions. She was growing colder, but stronger, so maybe it was a good thing. Maybe everything was good, and nothing was good. Maybe good and bad were limitations that stifled life. So she stopped thinking about them.
Instead, she decided to get a tattoo. For a few years now she had contemplated the idea, never really gathering up the courage to do it. Now she did. It would be a rose behind her right ear, to symbolize love in all its forms. Love that will stay with her…
*
`How would you even consider doing that to your body? What are you? In prison or something? Tattoos are a sign of lowlife, of people who don’t know good from bad. Please, just, reconsider. At least wait a while.`
`Eric, I know you believe that, but for a few years before I even met you, I had wanted to get a tattoo, just to see what it feels like, to have something that permanent done to yourself. It’s like there is this thing that is not up to fate in a life that seems completely out of control. I just wanted to see what it feels like…`
`Is it worth it? Having a permanent scar on your skin, just so you can satisfy a curiosity? It sounds childish to me.`
`Yes, maybe. But scars, I have plenty of those, I even have the one on my face. At least the tattoo would be a scar I get to choose.`
`Okay, but at least wait until this sick pandemic is over.`
`I will consider it, I promise.`
How funny it seemed to her that now, being married, her body was no longer her own. And her soul no longer subject to a single decision maker. Getting a tattoo was, of course, riskier with the pandemic. So she decided to wait. Not out of fear of the virus, but out of respect for Eric. He felt so strong about tattoos, Leah never really understood why. But she cared about him, more than she could comprehend.
*
Her birthday came and passed, a month later Christmas and New Year’s too. With weeks in a row spent at home, in isolation, life shared with Eric was getting lighter. Their hearts, no longer heavy as they used to be in the first year. Something was changing, and Leah was not so sure she wanted to know what was. All that she knew was that now, all it would take for her to feel empty was Eric being gone for a couple of hours. She cared about him more and more, and couldn’t quite understand how only four months before she thought herself in love with someone else. I must have been crazy, I could never be happy without Eric. She knew the thought was what she needed to say to herself, but still, to some degree, it was true. There were days when Leah and Eric were really a couple, connecting and loving each other. Those days would make her anxiety come back, what if I lose him? Maybe that’s what she always needed distractions. A crush, yoga, dancing, reading, or anything really. To fill up herself so that the thought of losing the one she loved would not be so overwhelming.
How do you make peace with the fact that you might, one day, lose a creature you love? How do you stay sane and in love, knowing that this love can destroy you once it leaves? At least for a while. Maybe that’s why The Power of Now was such a huge success. It helped you escape in the Now so that you don’t have to deal with the distorted Past memory remnants or the projections of the Future. It is, indeed, much easier, to be present and not think of anything else, beyond the boundaries of this moment. But to Leah, that had started to feel out of balance. Without the keys from the Past, how could one understand the Present? And without projecting futures, how could humans be creative enough to make up a life, with all its wishing upon stars and crying in hope of something more?
The balance was embracing all of them, the lies of the Past, the ecstasy of the Present and the fantasies of the Future. And, maybe when love became too scary, to get lost in the Present.
*
A new fear had started to occupy quite a vast space in Leah’s heart. There had always been the possibility that Andrew would come back and work with her. She would dismiss the thought as highly unlikely, but as the moment of the decision approached, she couldn’t help but wonder. Would she be strong enough to ignore any feelings he inspired in her and act like a mature person? That was the intention but the fear was, indeed, reasonable. A few more weeks and we’ll find out whether you really grew up, dearest Leah. Have some faith, will you!
*
Meanwhile, a series of e-mails from Leah’s past had shown up again in her Trash folder. The married man that had claimed to love her beyond life itself, and then left her hoping that his words were true, was now deciding that he missed her and wanted to see her again. After almost five years, Leah could finally see the disgusting human nature in him. Back then, to her, he was all that was good, he was art and love and curly black hair and green eyes. The way he looked at her every time they met, the intense gaze into her soul, had made her fall in love. And she wouldn’t have allowed herself to do that if he didn’t say he was in the process of separating from his wife. Of course, down the path of those few months, he realized he could not do it. He remembered he had a daughter and that daughter should be forced to live in a family without love. Only that he could be close to her. By the end, Leah had tried to break it off a few times, she had realized the truth from the lies and wanted to free herself. Only that he would always come to her, tears rolling down his face, begging, kneeling and condemning his God. Not realizing that not God, but he was the one that should have done something.
It is easy, having the idea of God in our lives. It makes it so much easier to give up responsibility when it suits us. But at some point it becomes so obvious that it works  not in our favor… Instead of making decisions and sticking to them as long as it feels right, instead of creating our own lives, we let ourselves be carried by whatever religion says we should do. By what society thinks that God wants from us. By everything that is not us. Some of us never see the truth. They live a life that is not theirs. They never truly live, but get by. They never truly love, every time a real feeling catches them by surprise, they dismiss it saying that the Devil sent it their way. We, as religious humans, are a disgrace to life itself.
Mind you, I’m not saying that there is no God. Oh, but there is! It lives in everything the air touches, It lives in the void of the Universe too. In and around humans, It connects us to everything that is. If we let It. Only if we allow It to touch us, can we truly experience connection to this realm, understanding of the intricate laws It governs, and love.
No, you do not have a God. It tried to reach you but you wouldn’t let Him manifest. You keep it locked inside, forgotten, lonely and sad. You disempowered your God for the sake of the rules humans had created about Him. It is absurd. But I cannot help you.
With this realization, Leah was completely free of this man’s influence. He was gone, forever to be forgotten from her soul. Their karma consumed, Leah’s heart felt like a feather. Flying again, as it was meant to.
Thank you, God, for always being here. Thank you for the love you pour into my soul every time I think of you. I can feel you in everything that is. And I am grateful for your light.
*
And then, the thing she feared the most happened. Andrew came back. She knew in her heart she would see him again, but hoped that she didn’t. As well as she knew herself, Leah was well aware that his presence will torment her and wake her from the numbness she had fallen into. She found out about it a month before, so that now, coming full circle from the month she mourned his leaving, she had a month to prepare for his coming back. She was not prepared when they saw each other again.
The gods are cruel. Don't you forget that, little girl. Whatever they get you hoping, they. Will. Definitely. Take it back. One way or another. They feast on your emotions, they grow your feelings until your heart feels like it will explode. And then. And then they twist it, so that you don't get it. Ooor. Or you get it when you no longer want it. When you forget it even existed. When it doesn't matter anymore and after they had you devoid of every ounce of that enormouseness you were carrying inside your whole being, filled and contained by it all at once.
Everything happens for a reason??? Well, that proved to be the funniest and saddest joke of them all. Illusions, smoke and mirrors, a nothingness of words disguised into somethingness. Everything happens because it does. The chaos that is all of it will never amount for anything real. Anything that's real gets crushed. Under the weight of our own frailty of spirit.
I do love you. I am so completely in love with you. And it really doesn't matter. It never will.
I am sorry.  
*
So much love in one heart, this cannot be right. Is it because people have stopped knowing how to love? And maybe that whole amount of love destined for Earth had now less recipients? And naturally, more love was assigned to those who could feel it? Yes, that must have been the case, since Leah knew now that love would never leave her soul. And that every single one of her feelings and loves was meant to bring her closer to that source, from where all good and bad and amazing and awful things came.
She was in love with life. And she knew she didn’t have to do anything about it. Now she knew that love could just exist, without us trying to control it and mold into pieces that could suit us. It was the case with Andrew. She gave up control and then the most liberating feeling came to visit her heart. IT was as if by letting her love flow freely, she was honoring it and letting it take any and every form it wanted to. Leah gave her love freedom, and in return, that love made Leah soar to the skies and it gave her wings again, so that she could fly to the farthest reaches of her soul, of the Universe’s soul. And all was well with the world.
*
You know, it would’ve been so much easier if you were not hetero. Leah smiled, thinking that thought. It would, indeed, have been amazing. If he was gay, they could have been friends, and she could have met with him and talk and just be in his presence, for that was all that she really wanted – to be close to him. To hear him talk and look into his eyes. To feel that gaze caress her face and body, nothing sexual in it. Or maybe everything sensual. That was yet unclear. All she knew for now was that he was hers to keep. Forever and a day? No, just… forever. It was clear that they had met in another life. It was clear to Leah that feeling like that for a person could not be just human in nature. It was celestial. It was something that words could only try to describe. So she did, for she knew that if she could find the words to paint a picture of that connection, the world would be ever so beautiful.
A gift. This love was a gift for Leah’s soul. Even though reality was not friendly with it, Leah’s inner reality was enriched by it. This love brought with it a piece of God, like every love does. And for that, Leah would forever be grateful to Andrew’s soul. A soul brought to this world to inspire good in those he touched. To melt hearts and make them rearrange their insides to fit that big a feeling. He was a gift to the world. And Leah was happy to have been born almost at the same time with him. And to have met him. Unconditionally love him and taking in his presence.
Thank you, Andrew. You know, for just being here.
"I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you.”[3]
*
Leah was curious.
For a while now she had been feeling like human life doesn’t really make a difference in the Universe. It does destroy the planet, but out there, it is but a speck of dust in an infinite dust pan. As much as she had wanted to believe there was a purpose for us here, she could not see it. There were theories, but none all that plausibile. And theories she never could believe until she felt the truth in her heart.
A few months had passed since Leah took an interest in angels and archangels. She got some sets of cards, to try to communicate with them, but it didn’t seem to work. Meanwhile, more and more messages from angels would appear in the most unusual of places. On her Youtube, Facebook, Instagram and all the other electronic places she visited. She thought it was all the marketing strategy from Google. But was it?
One morning, as Eric was shutting the front door, Leah thought she was still sleeping. A speck of light appeared in front of her eyes and then a series of ideas were materializing in her train of thought. I know you have been looking for something. We all know as we had heard your calling. You have been through every phase of consciousness, you now know to listen to your intuition, you know truth from lies. And you know this is real.
A shiver went up her spine. Leah was awake, but just like in a deep meditation, the borders were not all that solid. The alpha state of mind was different from what one might be used to.
But if she was awake, then the speck of light… She tried to close her eyes again and call it back. But the enthusiasm was too ego-related to allow any real connection to that form of energy. She knew she had to wait it out.
*
And sometimes, when people wait for something, there is another gift that appears. The secret is to keep the soul open to possibilities, not smother it with expectations and thoughts of what should be there. Instead, take whatever life lays on your golden embellished plate and make it into something amazing. Keep the heart grateful and seek the beauty in all that is yours, all that comes naturally. There is, really, no other way to live.
There is a ghost on this Earth. Not yet dead, not yet alive either. It goes back and forth, peeking secretly to the past, while looking, still fearful of hoping, to the future. There is a stillness in its eyes and a spark in its cold heart. A blue feather in its left wing, and a white feather in its right wing. They serve as reminders of moments and feelings too powerful for a heart to withstand, yet too real for it to deny. The blue feather speaks of silences and mourning and wailing when crying is no longer enough. The white feather sings of joys and love and tears when smiles and laughter fail to express the happiness inside. Both feathers are extensions of the heart, undeniably eternal, trapped in time, like a moment of the purest love. The ghost cares for them, knowing that in them life is born and dies, again and again, until it serves its purpose. 
There is a ghost on this Earth. And that ghost is me.
*
Empathy
…and its wonders. How it made Leah feel life through someone else’s eyes. She knew people, so when she showed something to someone, she would perceive that thing exactly as that person perceived it. She realized soon enough that in order to hear or see or feel something for herself, she should have to do it alone. With people around, it always felt different, as she first felt their feelings. IT was a gift, really, to be able to understand people like that, though sometimes a heavy gift, she carried it with love in her heart and that made it lighter. It is nice to be me, she would think and immediately rejoice at the thought while remembering how much she had expected this feeling when she was but a young girl seeking approval from others and rarely getting it as expected…
*
You feel the love and you let it fly through you and back into the flow of energy that makes us, knowing that what is meant for us is bound to us. And that there’s nothing you need that doesn’t meet you at exactly the perfect time for your soul. The flow teaches you to put back into it, thousand fold, what comes at you. Love is born every second inside our souls, because it’s there all along. It guides us and makes us see the world differently every day, with every piece of love you take in, grow, and then give back. Thank our guides, give thanks to those light-beings that take us by the hand and show us life for what it is, outside of the illusion of lack and impossibility.
*
In the now
A concept, hard to even grasp sometimes, but so sweet once you integrate and feel it deep within your core. The stillness of presence, the love of life that comes with gratefulness for simply being. The wonder that blood running through your veins can feel like. Is it blood though? It feels more like energy and life and peace. At times, physical biology stuff feel so distant, while those intangible abstract concepts that make up the foundation of existence are coming alive through every fiber of soul that resides in this dimension, thus making way for simultaneously being in other dimensions too. It used to be, for Leah, a distant mental prospect what now felt like her whole reality. The belonging and the this feeling right here were more than she could have hoped to meet in one existence.
She had discovered that being married didn’t mean leaving behind everything you are deep inside, and that life continues even after marriage, thus healing a mental construct her family of origin had instilled into her. So far off the beaten path her longings and intuition had taken her. Leah knew there were few people who could understand the magic of a yoni egg, or that energy healing really does exist, or that yoga is a way of life, and not just some postures and that life is so much more than what we see with our conditioned minds. She hoped that people, her beloved brothers and sisters would search and wonder and seek, for she had felt deep within how seeking brings humans the understanding and calm that needs to happen for lives mysteries to be revealed.
It was somewhat unusual to be both like them and like herself and her tribe of weird ones. For Leah, now almost 30 years old, could understand both the rational and the irrational, could see the truth in both manifestations of the Divine energy and love them both, for they were both Her own. This didn’t, of course, mean that she wasn’t hurting when bombs exploded killing so many, or when people in power would use that same power meant to do good, to destroy and manipulate, but somehow, through the hurting, she found a way out of sadness. By understanding that hurt is also a part of human experience she came to accept it, to make peace with it. It was clear that one person could not heal the world. And maybe the world didn’t even need that healing. It was perfect, with both good and bad, dualities befitted Her, bringing life into everything dead and death into all life. It was a journey through a reality not meant to be modified by its own children, but a reality that would permanently evolve through and by itself, taking with it everything inside.    
*
Endings
Putting together every little piece of love made up a life hard to understand even by its owner, but oh, so amazingly beautiful! To have so much love of people in one’s heart, to have so much feeling, so much emotion running through her veins, through her bones, igniting and bursting out into laughter through rivers of tears on scarred cheeks. But the scars! Oh, the scars, they made such a breathtaking canvas, a piece of art visible only to those who were born bearing the same gift, that of love and joy and sacred emotion.
A part of a bigger tapestry, an infinite one, she was and she felt it, that thing she was, the spirit, the atom, the energy, it was the same energy running through everything else around her. And she swirled in spirit, enveloped in this energy of love and sometimes she could almost feel God in the swirling… and she kept on swirling through lives of love and pain and joy and everything that brings life to empty bones.
Cause you’re fearless in your love, devoted to compassion… the way you wear your heart, the way you hold my heart, my fierce friend. She felt every word in the center of her chest and in the drops of tears tumbling down to meet her chapped lips, that knew the most incredible of kisses. And she knew she loved the very essence of life, she loved and loved and loved and it seemed now that she was made of love. And indeed, she was, as are we all…
*
I will close my eyes to see your face again… it’s amazing how the days decided who the song was about. As such, it weren’t really the lyrics, but the days that spoke of persons she used to worship, thus worshipping herself, her spirit, maybe God Himself.
And you might think she wasn’t loyal, but what is loyalty when one cannot hold it first to its own heart? So by acknowledging and feeling everything she was feeling, she was the very image of loyalty to Spirit, that which had put all the love and emotion inside of her. For she knew it was put there with a reason, a reason not yet disclosed, but bound to be revealed once it will all have been lived through till the end. She got glimpses of it, though, at times, and it brought her to life, again and again… as Spirit does when it finds a way through to one’s heart.
*
It was at the age of 30, and this story was vital for her understanding, that she realised and integrated the reason why she always felt so out of place. Why the world appeared to her soul like both a parallel and innate universe she was bound to dwell in and out of while going through life. Both alone and accompanied by other souls, she had never lost that innocence of heart that comes with being a child. Through all the adversity that comes with being a bit off, with having ideas that are unusual or simply hard to understand, she managed to keep that part of her alive. She realised now that she had been holding and caring for her inner weirdness more than anything else, hidden as it might have been, it was hers to keep. Her world, kept alive in the aloneness and quiet places she needed to herself, would come to the surface in specs when she would meet another whose eyes told her they hid a similar weirdness. Most often, with everybody else, it was in their world that she would meet them, thus learning empathy and understanding for different conditionings. Meanwhile, keeping her own light alive and nourished.
And the reward, oh how beautiful, was that she got to feel the deep sense of `thank you, life!`, the grace given off by the knowing and seeing and feeling the deep gratefulness that comes with walking the Earth another second. Yet another one, and another, making up paths as she went, creating and ending lives within a life while living and loving all of them at once, knowing and not knowing what would come next.
It was a beautiful, both peaceful and eager realisation, to understand a part of you that remained untouched for so long, for even though you didn’t completely get it, you protected it with your life, knowing deep down that one day it was going to make sense. So do that, if you may. Care for the parts of you that remain untouched by reason, by mental understanding. Keep them safe in a chest of hidden treasures, in your chest, for that’s where your heart is, that’s your center and that’s the most valuable posession you’ll ever own. I love you. And I know you. For we are all One.
May this be the end to the beginning of something incredible for you, amazing, God-inspired, thus universal in its truth.
~
Life is not simple or straightforward for those of us who must fight to express the many truths of who we are in a world that says ‘Just pick something and do it`. And you will do it, but not before you have realized you are a diamond of many facets. You have the energy to shine in multiple ways and that shining eventually becomes a unified, sparkling expression of yourself. (J. Nordby)
I grew up out of that strange, dreamy childhood of mine and went into the world of reality. I met with experiences that bruised my spirit – but they never harmed my ideal world. That was always mine to retreat into at will. I learned that that world and the real world clashed hopelessly and irreconcilably; and I learned to keep them apart so that the former might remain for me unspoiled. I learned to meet other people on their own ground since there seemed to be no meeting place on mine. I learned to hide the thoughts and dreams and fancies that had no place in the strife and clash of the market place… So I piped and danced to other people’s piping – and held fast to my own soul as best as I could. (L.M. Montgomery)
 
 
 


[1] Fragment containing lyrics from Flyleaf, the band

[2] Lyrics from Cradled in love by Poets of the Fall

[3] John Green, The Fault in Our Stars