ED N. WHITE - SCRIPT FOR: BERT AND ERNIE AND THE MAN

A writer of Mysteries. A teller of Tales. A graduate of the University of Iowa with an M.A. from the University of Rhode Island and a former faculty member there. A New Englander trapped on the Suncoast of Florida hoping for a little snow.

The author offers this play to any group that wants to stage it. 

​Script for: Bert and Ernie and The Man

​A short one-act play, in two scenes.
Cast: Jerry Lambert, aka Ernie, a man with a past. A man who takes care of things.
            Bert is an abused woman seeking an answer.
            A bartender (A different man in scene two can be done with a costume change)
            One or two “barflies” sitting on stools in scenes one and two. Add two men at a table in scene two.
Scene one.
(A seedy bar. Barflies sitting on stools, with drinks. A bartender polishing glasses. Jerry enters and sits at the end of the bar where he can look around suspiciously.)
Jerry: “Two chili dogs and two Rolling Rock longnecks.” (Jerry empties the first bottle quickly then waits for his food.)
(Enter Bert, who sees him drinking from the bottle. She has unkempt hair, a bruise on her cheek, an oversized Steelers sweatshirt, and a large shoulder bag. She sits next to Jerry.)
Bert: “Why are you drinking from a bottle?”
Jerry: “It makes a good weapon.”
Bert: “You must be a tough guy.”
Jerry: “When needed.”
(Bert orders a Rum and Coke, reaches into her bag, places a lighter on the bar, then digs for her cigarettes, putting one in her mouth. Ernie beats her hand to the lighter and flames it.)
Bert: “Thanks. What’s your name?”
Jerry: “Ernie.”
Bert: (surprised) “You’ve gotta be kidding me. My name’s Bert”
Jerry: (chuckles) “Really?”
Bert: “It’s Alberta. My dad wanted a boy, so they compromised.”
Jerry: “What if I call you, Al?”
Bert: “I’ll kick you, where it’ll hurt the most.”
Jerry: “Okay, I won’t. So, what do you do for fun?”
Bert: “Sit around, wishing my husband would die.”
Jerry: (Taps the side of his face, indicating he sees the bruise on her.) “Did he do that?”
Bert: “That’s not the worst of it?”
Jerry: (Shrugs) “Why don’t you do something about it?”
Bert: (Shrugs) I’d like to. I don’t know how, and I’m afraid.”
 (Jerry orders another round of drinks.)
Jerry: “What the hell, put some rat poison in his soup. Get him drunk in the car and leave it running in a closed garage. Use your imagination.”
Bert: (Looking scared) “I’ve thought about a lot of ways, but I’m afraid I’ll get caught.”
Jerry: “If you’ve got enough evidence of continuous abuse, the worst you’ll get is a light sentence. Maybe not even.”
(She picks up her new drink and tips it in salute to “Ernie”)
Bert: “Thanks. (Takes a drink) It’s not the law; it’s his family. They’re all crazy, and they’d get revenge in some horrible way. His brother once told me he’d chain me to his truck and drag me down the highway.”
Jerry: “Tough guy.”
Bert: “He’s a bully, just like my husband. They’re all crazy.”
Jerry: “Any kids?”
Bert: “I almost did, but he kicked me in the belly when I was five months. I lost that child, something happened inside. And I can’t have kids. Good thing, actually.”
(Jerry finishes his beer and waits for another. Takes a drink.)
Jerry: “Sounds like you have a problem.”
Bert: “No, shit, Sherlock. Do you have a solution?”
Jerry: “Maybe.”
Bert: “Maybe what?”
Jerry: “Maybe if you have some money, I might know a solution.”
Bert: “Know, or do?”
Jerry: “Let’s talk about money.”
Bert: “How much?”
Jerry: “For you, three-large.”
Bert: “That’s a lot of scratch.”
(Jerry taps the side of his face again suggesting her bruise)
Jerry: “Could be a bargain. Like you said, that isn’t the worst of it. Do you have any money?”
Bert: “I’ll get some. After that scum is dead, I’ll get the insurance money. Forty grand a legit policy we took out when we got married twelve years ago.”
Jerry: “I can see you’ve been thinking about this, but these things don’t work on credit. Two years ago, I took care of a guy who used a propane torch on his wife.”
Bert: “I have a down payment.”
Jerry: “Like what?”
(Bert digs into her purse and takes out a small wad of tissue, unwraps it, and takes out a diamond ring. She hands it to Jerry, who turns it over several times, trying to assess the value.)
Bert: “That was my mother’s, my scumbag husband never gave me one.” (Bert grips Jerry’s arm) “I’ll give you a bonus after.” (Bert drops her hand onto Jerry’s leg.)
(Jerry returns the ring.)
Jerry: “That won’t be necessary, maybe we can work this out.”
Bert: “How can I contact you?”
Jerry: “You can’t.” (Takes a phone out of his pocket) “Give me your number.”
Bert: (Hesitates then gives a phone number) “941-555-0019.”
Jerry: “Give me an address.”
Bert: (Hesitates, looking scared, then gives an address) “28441 South Pomegranate. Aren’t you gonna write it down?’
Jerry: “I’ll remember it.” (Gets up to leave, pushes some money from his change on the bar to Bert) “Have another drink. I’ll be in touch.” (He walks toward the door.)
Bert: “When will I hear from you?”
(Jerry ignores her and leaves. Bert orders another drink. The scene ends.)
 
Scene two.
(Same bar, the same bar flies drinking. Two new guys at a table. A new bartender.
Phone conversation off stage. Jerry calls Bert.)
Jerry: “Do you have it?”
Bert: “The ring, is that okay? Please. I’m counting on you.”
Jerry: “Tomorrow. Same place, same time.”
Jerry: (Enters the bar and sits at the same stool as before.) “Rolling Rock longneck.”
(Bert enters. Hair styled. No bruise. Wearing a business suit. Jerry sees her approach in the mirror he turns on the stool looking surprised. Raises his hands in a What gives? Gesture.)
(The bartender points a gun at Jerry’s back. The men at the table stand up with guns in their hands.)
Bert: (Opens her suit jacket and displays her ID.) “FBI Agent, Bert Merriweather. Jerry Lambert, you’re under arrest. Sorry, Jerry.”
 
END