LINNEA COOLEY - TEN REASONS WHY I AM NOT INVITING CYNTHIA THOMAS TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY, MOM

Linnea Cooley is an undergraduate poet and writer at the University of Maryland.  Her poetry appears in Neologism Poetry Journal, Boston Accent Lit, and Anti-Heroin Chic Magazine, among others. Her humor writing is forthcoming in Furious Gazelle. More of her work can be seen on her website, https://linneacooley.weebly.com

​Ten Reasons why I am not inviting Cynthia Thomas to my birthday party, Mom

Ten Reasons why I am not inviting Cynthia Thomas to my birthday party, Mom 
 

1. When I got a new bike, Cynthia Thomas was the only one not to comment on it during recess. Really, Cynthia? Are you so above the simple pleasure of a brand-new, candy red, Princess Peddler with multi-colored tassels on the handlebars? 
   
2. Cynthia thinks that water parks are "really fun." Oh really, Cynthia? What about waterborne illness and witnessing the ravaging effects of middle-age on parents in swimsuits is "really fun"? 
   
3. In the cafeteria when Andrew Moorstetter said he got a tattoo, Cynthia actually believed him. God damn it Cynthia! Being gullible is so third grade. 
   
4. Eleven is a big year, Mom. Don't I deserve a quality birthday party?
   
5. In this economy, can we really afford an extra birthday guest? It's a slap in the face to Dad, who got laid off only a few months ago. Is it really wise to spring for an extra cupcake? An extra balloon? An extra goody bag full of assorted plastic toys? Are we to spend our savings on these extraneous goods while Father sits forlornly in the den, mourning the diminishing job market for elevator operators with debilitating claustrophobia? 
   
6. Cynthia Thomas has the same last name as Olivia Thomas. Inviting Cynthia as well would be a logistical nightmare.
   
7. Like all young scholars and academically inclined individuals, I hope to curate an intellectual discussion around my birthday party table. It's less of a birthday celebration, more of a Salon. That ambiance won't be possible if a blithering idiot like Cynthia Thomas is present.  
   
8. Cynthia's parents are getting a divorce, and she's been really busy with that lately. She probably wouldn't be able to come to my party anyway; her family's been spending a lot of time in court. 
   
9. Our kitchen table only has seven chairs. If you make me invite Cynthia, we will have to get another chair from the basement. 
   
10. Birthdays are a sacred tradition to celebrate the fleeting passage of time. If we don't acknowledge that through a joyous and exclusive celebration, what is even the point? 
    

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