THE HIGH AND THE MIGHTY
I was wondering why there were so many cars double and triple parked in my driveway when I got home.
My neighbor Richard was smoking a Marlboro by the side of my house, and when he saw me pull up he came towards me as I got out of the car.
He pulled me by the cuff as he watched the windows while he led me to the side, so, “We wouldn’t be Seen”!
“Got any coke”? He requested.
I gave him some.
“I’m here for your intervention”
“My what”? I said.
“Yeah, don’t tell on me. I don’t want one.”
I started to walk to the front of my home.
“ Hey fuckhead, you coming in”? I inquired.
“Yeah, you go in first. Got any weed”? He didn’t wonder.
I gave him some.
I went into my castle, and on me merry way to my very first intervention.
I was the guest of dishonor.
I looked around my home and saw relatives and friends and associates, that I knew were all as high as Hell.
Thanks Sweetheart, I silently said to my wife.
Richard soon followed, sniffing his ass off.
“My allergies “, Richard announced, and asked if I cut the lawn recently.
I met my wife, one early rainy morning waiting for the doors to open at an A.A. meeting.
It was my first time, and I guess it showed.
It was her millionth time, and I guess it showed.
After the A.A. meeting I kissed my future sponsor wife on the neck in the parking lot and she
looked, and felt, like she was tingling all over, and then I started tingling all over too.
I thought at best we would be just a fleeting fantasy in an after A.A. meeting parking lot.
It happens every day, and night, however, this one stuck to the ribs.
It was love at first blurry vision.
Now, my significant whatever, is now a reformer.
Ever light up a cigarette in front of an ex smoker? Or have a drink in front of an A.A. member?
Or do a line of coke in front of the guy you’re visiting in rehab?
That’s what she’s like.
A regular crusader, she is.
And I’m heading for the cross d’ jour.
Looks like The Crusader hit the rehab folding chair rental company as they were now
invading my living room.
She probably didn’t want their asses on the good stuff.
She had recently kicked a germ habit, as well as a host of others.
She was also in a solo car accident one night and hit a tree. Since then, she lost her sense
Good thing because the house smelled like a weed shop.
A couple of her friends’ husbands were there too.
I saw her earlier in the week.
We all went in on an ounce of blow with a side of some extasy. They probably wanted to re-up and figured they might as well stay for the show.
The Crusader asked for silence, so she could start sermonizing in peace and quiet.
Why don’t I throw them out?
That would hurt my wife, and I love her.
I cannot be happy unless she is happy too.
So instead of flipping out, I flipped in.
I started to feign looking sad and ashamed.
I could fake that real good, and I did, immediately apologizing for everything and anything.
I noticed one of the attendee neighbors coming out of my bathroom and making a mental
note to myself to check and see how many pills of mine they stole.
I looked over the audience and thought to myself that half were drunk, half were pilled, half were
coked, and half, were all the above and below.
I know that doesn’t add up correctly, but what does?
I also knew I wasn’t as whacked out as most of them but what can you do?
I don’t want to be known as an intervention party pooper.
But then again.
I simply said, “ let’s not say what goes without saying”.
They liked that, as they took it as a sign of redemption, with a side dish of cooperation, rather than five hours of denial,
Until I said.
“Why don’t we all empty our pockets and purses and we’ll see what we can see and what is what”?
So here we are, and nobody has made the slightest motion to empty their pockets and purses.
They must have thought I was kidding.
I was not kidding.
The haul was enormous, and I suggested we sell it all and donate it to charity.
I was voted down, so I said, “Why not live and let live”?
That bill was voted and passed.
We all had a wonderful almost intervention after party
I should have had valet parking.
I would have made some money.
Maybe next time?
For there shall be a next time.